Friday, December 8, 2017

{ Scottie Yuki Ryther | 11 months }

Weight: 17 lb 5 oz

E.L.E.V.E.N MONTHS!!! Holy cow. Where is time going!? My 5 lb baby is eleven months old? She's so big. I say this EVERY month. Every month! Yet it doesn't get old :)

I can't believe how much she has learned. She's started to sleep through the night which literally has changed my life. She sleeps from 8:00 p.m. - 8:00 a.m. and I am dead. Dead! I literally never thought this day would come. I look back on the past 10 months and at the time thought, "you know what, this sucks but I'm going to get through it and wake up like a normal person and do what normal people do even though I've had 2 hrs of sleep." Nope. Nope! I was not normal. So thank you Scottie for sleeping through the night.

She's also learned how to walk with help. She loves to walk and hold your hands. Her legs are a little unstable but she's doing awesome. Scottie also loves to whistle. It's so funny because not much noise comes out when she makes the "blue steel" face but you can definitely hear a little whistle but mostly just air from a tiny mouth. She thinks it's hilarious when other people whistle.

Scottie's favorite food is clementines! She will DOWN those things. More often than not, she's choking on all of her food because she stuffs her face full, and then realizes she can't swallow it all. I think I've de-gagged her 500 times by now.

Her favorite game to play is peek a boo in the car. I always put a blanket over her legs because you know, Utah. It's December weather in Fall. She picks up the blanket and hides her face, I say "Where's Scottie?" and then she pulls it down and has a giant grin on her face. She'll do that the entire way from our house to grandma/grandpa's house.

Still loves baths. Absolutely loves it but lately she's figured out that the shower knob pulls up and she will pull it up and down and up and down and up and down.

Scottie cannot STAND getting her diaper changed. It's like someone is pinching her. She can't even handle it and on top of that she hates getting dressed.

She's still itty bitty and wearing her 4-6 month clothes. We love all of her little body. She gives me open mouth kisses every time I get her from the crib in the mornign and I will always be grateful for her sweet spirit. I love you so Scottie girl.

Until next time,

KRR

Dear Scottie,

Happy 11 months baby girl! I will always call you my baby girl. You are so big. I can't believe how much you've learned this month and I'm so incredibly proud of you for being you. You're so smart and observant. You learn so much just by watching people. I like to think you got that from your mom :) You can do anything you put your mind to. I've been a little more emotional than not these days and your smile helps me get through. I tell you this every month but you truly are my angel. You came at the most perfect time and I was reminded of that again just recently when I went on a girls trip to Arizona. Your dad and I haven't had the easiest of times lately but you have helped us get through. You're our focus. You're our life. You help us love more. Sometimes it's hard to be patient with you but once you're asleep in my arms and I stare at your face, I realize again and again how perfect you are. You've completed our lives and we could not be more grateful to have you in our family. Keep radiating happiness.

We love you Scottie.

XOXO
Mom


Monday, October 30, 2017

{ Scottie Yuki Ryther | 10 months }

Weight: 16 lbs 8 oz

Our baby girl is getting so incredibly big! She hit 10 months and we're just in awe with everything she's doing these days. Scottie is seriously hilarious. She's such a cheezer and makes the funniest faces all the time. She's very alert, as she's always been since day 1, but even more so. She finds the tiniest, most minuscule, things on the floor, pick them up, look at them, and then pop them in her mouth. She will eat ANYTHING! I've definitely learned when she's eating food versus something naughty and have learned to pry things out of her mouth. She's also learned how to chomp her gums close so that I can't get in there.

She's getting even more stable when she stands and can now walk when you're only holding one hand! She loves playing peek a boo and sticking out her tongue. Still makes funny cooing and kitty cat noises.

Every time I get her out of the crib she greets me with the biggest smile, crawls over to the side, stands up and gives me an open mouth kiss. Scottie sleeps a LOT better than she did. She's waking up at 1am and 6am and that's it! Some people may think that still sucks but hey, it's not every two hours. We've been doing that for about 9 months now. Last week she was only getting up once at 6am and I'll take that. I call that sleeping through the night. It's amazing the difference I feel now that I can get a few extra hours of zz's.

Scottie loves to eat mandarin oranges, spaghetti, puffs, always puffs, cheese, and avocados. She's so messy that every time she feeds herself, I have to give her a bath. Scottie will take giant fist fulls of food and shove them in her mouth. She's so funny because she will chew chew chew and then start whining because she can't swallow it. Funny girl.

She's dominated the stairs and will go up them no problem without stopping. She doesn't know how to get down them just yet though so we have to watch her carefully.

Her hair is officially starting to grow! Hair, crazy right?! My bald baby is growing hair! It's still super light and of course very minimal up top, but there's hair.

Our girl is a smiler, still, smiling 24/7. Always has a big gummy smile on that cute adorable small head.

Scottie stopped breastfeeding a couple weeks after her 9 month mark and it has relieved stress big time. I do miss it a lot, but Cam can help me at night by getting up and feeding her a bottle and I am much more energized to take care of her. I'm proud of how far I made it with Scottie. I struggled to keep my supply up when she got RSV so from 2 months till 9 months, I was powerpumping and trying to make sure Scottie had enough milk. It wasn't easy, and I wish I could have gone 12 months, but I think my body was giving out so I had to switch to formula for several reasons. We made it that far though and I'm proud of that!

Scottie is a light to our lives and I was reminded during a girls trip that I took to Arizona, that Scottie truly came into mine and Cam's life in the perfect time. I couldn't understand why I wasn't getting pregnant and looking back, I do now. She is truly a beam of light in my life and I love her so much for being our happy girl. She makes me so happy.

Until next time,

KRR








Dear Scottie girl,

I can't believe how much you've learned and continue to learn. You're so amazing to watch and I never get sick of seeing the things that you learn day to day. I love you for being happy. Thank you for being a smiley girl. You're so funny and truly make mom laugh when she needs it. You bonk your head a lot, probably because you get that from me, but you're still so happy! Your big blue eyes are the prettiest and even strangers will comment on them. You're going to sweep a cute boy off of his feet one day with those eyes. I hope you never lose that light and will always remember to smile and be happy. There's a lot of sadness in this world, but with your attitude, life can be wonderful and great. I love you so much Scottie. You'll always be my baby.

XOXO
Mom


Tuesday, September 26, 2017

{ Scottie Yuki Ryther | 7 Months }

July 14, 2017

Weight: 15 lbs 2 oz

Happy seven months Scottie. It's been one month since Scottie had your breathing accident but I just can't get over it. Whenever people ask me how things are going, I refer to Scottie's accident as if it was just a week away. Cam reminded me the other day that it has been a month but it seems as if it were yesterday.

I will never get over that day.

We've taken you to see a neurologist since then. That was a hard day and I've never seen Cam more destraught then that day. I'm usually the weak one but I had to be strong for him. We had to strap you down as they put about 30 suction cups with wires to your head. Then they wrapped your head with gauze so everything would stay in place. Scottie was inconsolible. I've only seen her cry like that a few times and it was similar to her pain when she was deep suctioned in the hospital at 4 weeks old. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry once I saw her mummified, so I did both. They had me hold Scottie and wanted her to sleep for some of her test. The test ran for 30 minutes as they watched her on the camera and watched her brain activity. Cam was having a really hard time because the neurologist was trying to find any clues as to why her accident happened. She saw that Scottie tucks her thumb and thought it could be a sign of Cerebral Palsy. For some reason, I was very calm. I was confident that she didn't have it. I didn't think it was anything but it hit Cam very hard. We both cried when the EEG nurse left us to be monitored. I think Cam and I have been through a lot when it comes to Scottie. We've been through a lot as a couple this year, and I can't help but think Scottie's accidents were meant to teach us something. We needed to come together and rely on each other for love and strength. I would never wish Scottie's accidents upon anyone, but I know that Cam and I have grown from them.

I wish I could say that the pain and anxiety of the day of her accident will go away, but I don't think it ever will. I truly believed that I lost our beautiful Scottie girl. Every night, I'm reminded of that moment and I am so beyond grateful that she's still with us. We truly had angels in our house that night. I know there were angels helping Scottie come back to us.

As for things you're doing these days. We're back on track and starting solids again! I had to take a moment to pause and focus on Scottie because I didn't want any chance of choking or anything dangerous, so we went back to pureed foods. Scottie came back into my room because of my anxiety. She wore the Owlet sock every single night and it gave me peace until it didn't. Haha the sock unfortantely would go off every once in a while. Mostly the alarms where it couldn't get a good reading but there was one night where the red alarm went off. I ran as fast as I have ever run into Scottie's room to check on her. She was fine.

The anxiety has been a hard thing for me to balance these days. It takes over my body and every squeal, every weird facial expression. It makes me think she can't breathe.

Poor Scottie got another bug and I took her into the Dr.'s to make sure she was ok. Cam and I both knew she was sick but wanted to check to make sure it wasn't anything abnormal. She had a high fever of 102 that lasted about 4 days and then she broke out with a rash so my mom thinks it was Roseola. I remember giving her a bath and dressing her for bed and she was shivering uncontrollably. The face she was making was similar to what I saw during her accident so I was very high strung when she was sick.

Whenever Scottie gets sick, my PTSD kicks in. I just want her to be safe and happy and healthy.

Scottie went on her first vacation with the Beste family! We went to their family reunion in Island Park and she was able to hang out with all the cousins. Everyone was fighting over her because she's so dang cute. She loves to splash in the tub and is already trying to stand. She's such a big girl!

Until next time,

KRR

{ Scottie Yuki Ryther | 9 Months }

Weight: 15 lbs 9 oz

Happy nine months to our Scottie girl! I can't believe she's getting so old. (Classic mom talk, am I right?) I've turned into one of those moms already!

I was talking to one of my friends at church the other day and she reminded me "nine months in, nine months out!" I totally didn't even realize it. It's crazy to me how much she has grown. Not just physically, but mentally, emotionally. She's such a funny girl these days. She's so very determined to do her own thing and explore EVERYTHING. She's very attentive. To every detail. And I mean EVERY detail. From the day she could see the world she has been looking around and observing every little thing.

When I rock her to sleep in the rocking chair, she sits there and scratches at the material. When I wear jewelry, which is a VERY rare occasion these days, she'll sit there and pull at it. When I have any sort of detail on my shirt, pulling at it. She's so curious and wants to see it all.

Scottie learned to do so many things this month. She started to pull herself up to stand on just about everything. She can even let go with one hand and just stand there. Sometimes she'll take a step or two! She learned to walk with help. If you hold her hands, she'll just cruise. She loves walking. She's always watched the older cousins and you can see how desperately she wants to walk and run with them in here little eyes.

The poor girl got sick...AGAIN. This is her 5th time being sick in 9 months. It may not seem like much, but when the runny nose lasts 3 weeks, it seems like she's been sick A LOT! Apparently kids can get 10-15 colds a year. That's insane! We had a rough start with this one though. I was alone in Logan, staying the night with Caisie because Cam was still in the Phillipines. Oh yeah, Cam went to the Phillipines to visit his mission! We did the single mom thing for 10 days and it was HARD. Anyways, back to Caisie. We were at her house and everything was fine, until it wasn't. We laid down for bed and I could hear it. Her stuffy/runny nose. She couldn't breathe and was making weird sounds. She would wake up every 10 minutes and cry and I was so nervous she would wake up Caisie's kids. She kept screaming and it was like nothing before. She never did that! So I started panicking and my PTSD kicked in again. Remembering the bad times and I was all alone in the basement. I called my parents, and they drove from Bear Lake at 1 am to Logan, and drove us home to SLC. I felt so incredibly bad but I couldn't shake the anxiety. It was real and takes over when Scottie gets sick. I want to overcome it one day. I need to overcome it.

Scottie also learned to pick up food and eat real human food! She's been doing this for a while now but I think she's learned to not choke which was our problem at the beginning. I was terrified all the time so I just kept giving her pureed fruits and veggies. She didn't mind it. She actually loves her little squeezie and chugs it right out of the bottle now!

She's learned how to drink out of a straw and will DOWN water. LOVES water. The kid could drink water all day if I let her.

Scottie makes this funny squinty face when I say "no don't touch that" or "ahh no!" if she's really naughty and grabbing a cord, outlet, or lamp :S. Naughty girl.

Scottie says mama and dada. Mostly dada. She makes funny noises with her tongue and still makes little kitty cat noises all the time.

People still call her a "doll". Literally. Her big blue eyes that she got from her dad and her very round and still bald head are very "doll" like.

Scottie naps twice a day for two to three hours which is really awesome. Gives me time to work and clean and rest for a bit. Unfortunately the night routine hasn't gotten much better. She'll get up at midnight, 2am, 4am, and wakes up at 8am. Lately it's been midnight, 3am, 6am, wakes up at 8am. BUT I'm trying to enjoy it. People say it won't last forever and I get it, but it's exhausting nonetheless. I want to say that she's scared throughout the night and that's why she wakes up. It's like she needs me. And I'm ok with that if she needs me. I just wish I could keep her in my bed all the time and just have little sleepovers with her! Lately I'll bring her to bed with me at 4am and we'll sleep till 8 together. She's the cutest. She'll lay her head right on my chest or even on my face sometimes to fall asleep haha. Sometimes you just need to be touching your mom right??

We love our little Scottie girl that's growing up so fast.







Dear Scottie,

I am so proud of you. I say this every month but THIS month especially. You learned so much! It's so fun to see you grow. You giggle and smile at me all the time. When you smile at mom it makes me so happy to see that you're happy. That's all I ever want for you is for you to be happy. Remember to live life how you live now. Carefree and joyful. You're the biggest blessing for mom and dad and we couldn't thank you enough for your sweet little spirit. You teach us to be patient. You teach us to love deeper. Dad is absolutely smitten by you. He comes home from work and says over and over "I missed you!". It's so sweet to see the love between you and your dad. I hope that one day you can use that love you've learned from him and find someone to take just as good, if not better care of you and your precious heart. I love you so Scottie girl.

XOXO
Mom

Tuesday, August 22, 2017

{ Scottie Yuki Ryther | 8 Months }

Weight: 15.2 lbs

Happy eight months!

Scottie loves to move around. Move move move. Always on the go, looking for something to explore, discover. She's starting to pull herself up onto everything these days. I walked in a few weeks ago and you had sat up on your own in the crib. That's when I knew I'd be in trouuuble. I knew you'd be pulling yourself up onto the crib, couch, TV stand, in no time. And here we are, just a few days over you turning 8 months and I can't contain her! She's so curious and determined. The hard part is that her grib is unbelievable. I picked her up one time because she was getting into the humidifier. Well. She had the humidifier in her hand adn brought it with her :)  That thing is heavy too! She's hilarious.

Still army crawling like a pro but a few days ago I saw her pull up on her knees! We were in Bear Lake with the family and I caught her on her knees for two seconds, then she went back to her army crawling because she can get around pretty quick like that these days.

Scottie has discovered her bows! She'll yank them off so I have to be super discrete about it when I put them on her. I mean the poor thing doesn't have hair and has a gender neutral name. I love having bows on her little bald head, I just think it's the cutest thing.

She's outgrown her baby bath and has upgraded to the big tub and is LOVING it. Loves splashing around and the other day she swiveled onto her belly and was swimming around. She's the cutest in the tub. I try not to bath her every night because she has sensitive skin, but she loves it so much!

Unfortunately eight months has brought us several no sleep nights. Scottie has never been a good sleeper but it's really crazy at this stage. She goes to bed around 7:30 or 8:00 p.m. Wakes up at 9:00 p.m., 11:30 or midnight, 2:00 a.m., 4:00 a.m., 6:00 a.m., and then we're up at 8:30 a.m. or 9:00 a.m. Soooo no sleep actually. It's awful. Cam and I are trying to figure out what she needs and we're at a loss! We tried cry it out last night and that was bad news. Scottie was shaking after crying for an hour. We hated it. Absolutely hated every minute and when I went to get her, I started to sob. I couldn't believe I had tried that because I swore I'd never do it. I don't like the thought that she thought I wasn't there. Once I had picked her up, she wouldn't let go of me. I brought her to bed and laid her down between Cam and I. She immediately crawled over to me and climbed on my body to fall asleep. I put my arms around her and her little hands wrapped around my finger, holding so tightly. I think she must have some separation anxiety because I swear I feed her enough. I thought solids might do the trick but it's not working. I'm going to continue to do everything I can to make sure last night doesn't happen again. But that being said, I need sleep! I need to figure something out to where we're both getting what we need.

Scottie got sick...again! This is her 4th time being sick in 8 months. Obaachan thinks it's Roseola because she had a fever with no other symptoms and then she broke out in a rash. Sorry Scottie girl. Anyone that knows me knows that I'm the CLEANEST, and I mean cleanest, person out there. I try to keep the germs away from her but I guess it's inevitable? I have some major PTSD from her RSV experience so I probably get more worked up than I need to. But it's so incredibly sad to see a sick baby. They're so unhappy. Then I'm unhappy and even more exhausted than normal.

Scottie is so funny and fun in the day time. She's loud, makes noises, talks, scratches at new material. You can tell she's learning so much.

We love her so!

Dear Scottie girl,

I'm so happy that you are mine. Last night when I was holding you, I was quickly reminded of the scare you gave us at 6 months. When I'm frustrated with your sleep situation, I think of that time because we truly are blessed to have you here in our lives today. I couldn't even imagine what I'd do without you. The sleepless nights, giant purple bags under my eyes. I'd do it all over for you. I'd do anything for you. Now if you would just let me sleep at LEAST 4 hours that would be so great :) Will you do me a solid and start doing that for me again? Every 2 hours isn't going to cut it. I love you, but we're both failing in life because of it. I'm mean. You're tired. I need you to help me with this. Keep on being you. Learning, being courageous, determined, strong. I love you Scottie girl!

XOXO,

Mom


Saturday, July 29, 2017

{ Scottie Yuki Ryther | 6 months old }

Height: 24.6 in
Weight: 13.8 lb

6 months old.

That's halfway to 1, which means my baby is just about a teenager now... :) I can't believe how big my little girl is getting! She may still be in the 10th percentile for weight height, she may also be in the 2nd percentile for head circumference (haha the teensiest noggin), but she's my growing baby! Time needs to slow down. Or I need to learn to appreciate every day. Every fussy moment. Every cry. Every head bonk. Everything.

Today was a day I'll never forget.

I wish I could say it was a day I'll never forget because it was a happy day, but it wasn't. It wasn't even close. I think this day taught me to love even deeper than I do now. Even deeper than I thought I could ever love a tiny human.

Let me start from the beginning. Scottie and I went to see Dr. Hansen at 8:10 a.m. for her 6 month checkup! I knew it would be a semi rough day because we skipped her 4 month shots since we were in Japan, so today was a shot day. The appointment went really well, Scottie was healthy as a horse, moving around and wiggling like her normal self. Dr. Hansen said her ear infection was gone, she was great! We did her shots and she cried for a minute, calmed down, and we left. Dr. Hansen said this shot hurts a little more than the others so be sure to massage her legs.

She took a few naps that morning, ate her first solid! YAY! (Bananas. She spit EEEVERYTHING out besides that so we were so excited that she finally liked her first solid) and then I headed to my parents house as Kenz and Mal were coming over to swim. We had such a fun time playing in the water with Mal and Kenz and little Els. It was such a fun filled day, nothing unusual other than Scottie being a little fussy from her shots. I decided she's probably hurting from her shots so I gave her 2 ml of Tylenol and then she went down for a nap. After she woke up, we went home to see her dad.

Since Cam doesn't get to spend much time with Scottie throughout the week, he typically plays with her once he gets home. He was playing with her as usual, I gave her a couple spoonfuls of banana, and then I started taking her upstairs for a bath. This is the part that I wish I could forget.

I had Scottie on my hip and thought she was acting weird and limp. I got to the tub and did our usual routine. Set her on the bath mat, turn to the tub to fill up her baby bath, then back to Scottie to start undressing her. I looked at her and noticed her arms in this strange position and looked as if they were frozen. Her eyes were looking to her right side and she was making this monotone "ah" sound. I thought, ok that's weird what is she doing? Then my mind went to, "ok is she having a seizure?". I pick Scottie up and start saying "Cam, will you come up here?". The next thing I know, Scottie has gone limp, her eyes roll up and down to close and back open and I immediately scream to Cam to call 911. I'm running down the stairs screaming "call 911, call 911". Cam comes running to the end of the staircase, and just yells "Scottie!" as loud as he could. "Scottie stay with us, Scottie stay with us!". He then fumbles around to find his phone, dials 911, and procedes to give them our information. Meanwhile, Scottie is as grey as can be. I noticed her grey color on the stairs when I was running down but I just remember as the seconds and minutes went by, the greyer she became. Staring off into the distance just lifeless. I was frantically holding her and yelling at Cam to ask the 911 rep to tell us what to do.

I had no idea what to do. I thought I was losing my baby.

My baby was greyer by the minute and her lips were the same color as her body. I remember laying her on the ground as her arms just fell to her side thinking, "this is it. I'm losing my sweet angel baby". Cam kept shaking her and bugging her to keep her awake. No response. We couldn't even get a response with her eyes. She was not following us. She was not there.

I dialed Aubrielle and just screamed Scottie is grey she's not breathing. She sent Alex over because she was out of town (of course this happens...).

After about 4-5 minutes, the 911 rep told us to listen for her breathing. I put my ear next to her mouth and started to hear her catch her breath. I would say "now" every time I heard her breathe. It felt like the breaths were long from when I would say now, but slowly she started breathing again.

Alex came running through the door at this point. Scottie was breathing.

The paramedic came shortly after and about 7 paramedic team members came rushing through my door. It felt like eternity but we later checked Cam's phone to find that the paramedics arrived in just 9 minutes. The first thing the paramedic told me was "she's ok, she's breathing". Then they started working on her. Checking her vitals. She was still grey, but I noticed there was some pink color that had returned to her lips.

The paramedic felt comfortable with her vitals that they didn't need to take her in the ambulence but they wanted us to take her into the ER to get checked out. Cam and I felt ok to take her (plus we weren't about to fork out $10,000 for a glee ride into the hospital). Of course, if it were crucial she would have already been in the ambulence.

Once the paramedic left and Cam and I were alone again, we just sat. Sat together on the couch sobbing. I remember verbally saying "Why" over and over through the tears. I couldn't understand why this horrible accident happened and what had even triggered it. Cam and I couldn't fathom losing our baby girl. I think Scottie was just exhausted at that point because I was holding her in my arms and she was acting like nothing had happened. I'm sure she was so tired.

After gathering our emotions, of what emotions we could gather, Cam and I hurried and packed up the car, I changed out of my swimsuit (still in my swim suit from that afternoon), and we drove to the Riverton ER. On the way over, I was bugging Scottie because I was so worried something would happen again and she'd stop responding to us. I was playing with her toys and would grab her hands as she was pretty limp and just sitting in her carseat. I picked up her hands and legs and she had no resistence. She was exhuasted.

We got to the ER. Again, admitting Scottie to the ER.

Felt like we were just there.

Once we were admitted, we had several medical nurses come in and ask us what happened. I tried to tell the story the best I could but couldn't put a time frame on anything as it felt like forever. The Dr. came in and again, we retold the story. He said we should do an EKG on her heart to see if everything looked ok. All was well. Poor little Scottie had to have millions of little stickers all over her chest. Luckily she was pretty out of it so it didn't bother her much, just bothered her parents :)

Scottie was fine! Everything was fine. 100% healthy. The Dr. came back after we had monitored her for 2-3 hrs. He said her vitals were great and he felt comfortable sending us home. He told us after talking to several Pediatricians, that they categorized her accident in what they now call BRUE. It's a life threatening event that ends. Dr.'s have no idea why this happens, it just does. Happens to 13% of babies where you just don't know what or why it happened. I absolutely hated this answer. Hated it because I couldn't prevent it.

So. Cam and I went home. Because we caused quite the scene on our street, several neighbors knew about Scottie and what happened. That night, I had an Owlet monitor in my mailbox to use from Bishop. I can't be more thankful for such an awesome community and neighborhood that continues to look out for my family even though I may not be the best neighbor.

I knew I wouldn't sleep, Cam was exhausted so he actually got some sleep. I think we got home around 2:00 a.m. and I woke up just about every 30 minutes to check on her. She wasn't even far either. She was in the Dockatot, right in the middle of Cam and I. Yet I couldn't not check on her. I think I cried several times while Cam and Scottie both slept.

Why did this happen.

Morning came and I woke up thinking last night was a bad dream, but it wasn't. It was totally reality. How in the world did that happen.

All I can say is that there were angels in our house. Angels surrounding Scottie, helping her through the accident and helping her come back to us. I don't even know what I would do if I lost her. It would completely break me. She has been my saving grace and my angel baby through this time in my life.

I love her so.

Scottie. 6 months old and still smiling :)















{ I want the world for you }

July 13, 2017

To my Scottie:

I'm sorry. 

I need to apologize for my behavior. I haven't been myself and I told myself that I'd never yell at you and I have. You don't let me sleep and that turns me into a crazy person. You get up every two hrs after midnight and want to nurse and I've been trying to sleep train you with everything that I have but I've failed. I've gotten really upset and I'm sorry for that. 

I want to be the best I can be for you and I always want you to be happy. That's all I ever want for you, for you to live a happy life. I want you to live, love, laugh. I know you'll have worries and things of this world that will make you sad, but I want to protect you from it all!

It's so rare that you ever cry. 

Ever! 

So many people comment about you that you're the happiest baby and I can't thank you enough for being that for me. You truly are my angel during dark times. I feel that you came when I needed you most. I wanted you here so incredible bad for such a long time and couldn't understand why you weren't here. Now I know. I needed you here to help me through these times and Heavenly Father knew that too. I can't say it enough. My angel and my saving grace. I can't wait till you're older and we can have so many girls days together. I hope you'll want to hang with an oldie like me!! I love you so Scottie girl.  





{ Fastest army crawler in town }

June 27, 2017

My army crawler has continued to improve and is officially not using her little 2nd percentile head. You can get her to really move if you light up your phone and put it in front of her. Naughty girl. She's already obsessed with phones!! I'm in trouble.

I'm so proud of this little one. I'm sure everyone is so sick of me ranting about how proud I am. But she truly is a champ. She went through a whole lot in the first 6 months of her life and I am so lucky to be her mama. She teaches me.

I love you little Scottie girl!

{ We've got a crawler on our hands }

June 20, 2017

Scottie is crawling!!!! 

CRAWLING. K what?! I mean, duh, I knew my baby would crawl but I can't believe she's already on the loose.

It's more of an army crawl/use the side of her head to get around. It's so funny how she uses her head. She will pull herself and then topple over on her head and roll a little and then pull herself and start all over. 

She's getting really strong and will be an official crawler here soon I can tell. She's a determined little one. She knows she's being naughty when she crawls over to the TV stand and pulls out the internet box that lights up---but she does it anyways.

Time to baby proof this modern, sharp cornered house!

{ Scratchy little diaper}

July 6, 2017

To my Scottie: 

Today you discovered your diaper! You're hilarious. You love anything and everything that crinkles and apparently that includes your diaper. You look at your diaper when you're sitting down and just scratch away at your diaper and I can tell there's so much going on in that head of yours. You're so curious and want to do everything on your own! I love you so much. 

Thank you for being curious my little adventurer.



Friday, June 2, 2017

{ You want me to eat what?! }

Today we tried sweet potatoes.

Noooope. Poor girl gives me this face like what the heck did you feed me?!

I'm going to try apples next because she's not digging that or rice cereal. Dr. Hansen said to do veggies before fruits but I'm going to see if I mix a little bit of apple into the rice cereal to see if she will do rice cereal for a couple weeks before we introduce food.

And I decided I'm going to make it homemade because those cans are SO gross. Excited to make a bunch and eventually mix flavors. It's cuter making food for a small person.


Until Next Time,

KRR

Scottie Yuki Ryther | { 5 Months }

Height:
Weight: 12.2 lbs

FIVE MONTHS! Five. That's almost six months and six months is half of her turning 1 soooo I pretty much have a toddler on my hands. Haha. Dramatic? But seriously though. She's growing so incredibly fast and I can't seem to take in every little moment.

I keep telling myself to ENJOY motherhood. Truly enjoy it. We've had a rough start but I'm trying to get better by remembering that life will work out how it's supposed to. Scottie will have troubles, I will have troubles. But I'm doign the best I can and one thing I do know is that I love this girl witha ll my heart.

She's learned so much in the last month.

She discovered her toes and now she eats them! Loves to chew on those funny lookin' toes that her daddy gave to her. The poor girl :)

She loves to hold her bottle! Obsessed actually. When I give it to her she can't get her hands wrapped around it fast enough. I think she's a determined little one and I can tell it's part of her personality. Just like her mama. Speaking of determined. She curls her little knees under her chest and tries to crawl!! I think we're about to have a crawler on our hands soon. And then my life is over. Right? Haha time to baby proof EVERYTHING or more like take all your decorations down. Our house of course, has SO many corners. Cam and I love the modern look and of course comes the corners so our poor child has to deal with the corners. Hopefully she learns quickly and doesn't hurt herself too bad :) Our next house will definitely be a little more child proof. Live and learn.

She loves to smile. She smiles at everyone and it's very easy to get a big gummy smile out of her. Strangers comment on it. I love that about Scottie. She's the happiest little girl even when she's not feeling 100%. Smiley Scottie.

Everyone in Japan would look at Scottie and say "Oh my gosh she's so cute! She looks like a doll!" I think you put her gummy smile, bald head, blue eyes, chubby round face together and there you have it. A cabbage patch doll. We love our baby cabbage patch!

Scottie loves to talk. But these days she likes to talk at 6:00 a.m. A.M.! At first it would frustrate me because it wasn't time to wake up. But then I realized, you know what, she's happy. She's in her bed just playing with her feet and talking talking talking. It's more of a vowel sounding talk v. the cooing. She's learning!

This babe is also ROLLING. Rolling right, left, right, left, right, left, and before I know it. This girl has rolled all the way from the TV room into the kitchen. Silly girl. She knows where she wants to go and gets there. Again. My determined daughter.

We're so happy and love our Scottie.

Dear Scottie girl,

You're growing too fast! Mom is trying to soak in every moment but the days seem to go so quickly and your mom is always stressed that you're not getting enough food, getting enough sleep, comfortable enough, etc. The other day, you thew up, then you pooped in the tub, I cleaned it out, and then you pooped in the tub again! The problems seemed like it they never ending. But then I remembered those days where  I longed for you for so long and it made life better. I've wanted you in my life for a really long time. And I never want to take you for granted. I want you to have the perfect, safest, most happiest life. But I know I can't protect you from everything. I want you to be happy. I hope that you pick up the best traits from your mom and your dad and learn from our mistakes. We love you. We want the world for you. Thank you for smiling. Thank you for making me smile! Mom needs that in her life. She needs your gummy smiles and snuggles. It makes her so happy when she can still hold you in her arms and put you to sleep. It will make me sad when the day comes when we move you out of our room. (I know...you're still sleeping next to me because I can't get myself to move you! I'll be too sad.) Keep smiling for me.

XOXO

Mom

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

{ Taking a 4 Month Old To Japan }


We took Scottie to Japan! It was the craziest, but we survived. I think I stressed out about the travel and flight over to Japan probably a week before it all went down. My milk supply shot down...surprise surprise...and I was an absolute stress case. Traveling international is hard as it is.

Add a four month old to the mix! I had to make sure I had every little thing for her. Just in case she needed something. In case she got sick, had gas, got a rash, was cold, was warm, three blankets of course--it felt like half of our bag was just for Scottie.

I brought the dockatot on the plane and that SAVED MY LIFE! It was the best thing ever because we had a seat between us on every single flight. I wonder if they did it that way because they know we have a baby and no one wants to sit by a rvyign baby? Haha either way. Stoked. We were able to put the dockatot between us on the seat and let Scottie sleep.

She did awesome on our 12 hr flight! We even had a lady come up to us and say "you had a baby with you?! I didn't even hear her". Scottie didn't make a peep. She actually talked quite a bit but there's so much white noise from the plane you couldn't really hear her.

Once we got to Japan, we. Were. Exhausted! I felt so disgusting after 18+ hrs of travel so I had to take a bath. I brought Scottie with me and she screamed like I've never heard before. I don't blame her. It was the longest day ever and then I'm dowsing her with water?! Poor girl. I couldn't not let her go without a shower though I felt like she had been laid down on every airport floor (even tho she was on a diaper changing mat on a chair).

Airports are just gross, you know?

Scottie slept pretty well over our vacation too! That's one thing I was concerned about going into the trip. I knew that this trip wouldn't be a vacation for me because I had a four month old baby that was going to be jet lagged. Well she surprised us and slept for majority of the night! Woke up a few times to eat but never wide awake. It was awesome. (Coming home was a different story. VERY opposite. She would be up until 4 am jusybwide awake and chgaytjng and moving around and playing with her toes. Dang girl. She took a week to get over that jet lag coming back.)

It was so fun seeing ojiichan and obaachan with Scottie. Ojiichan thought she was so cute and still thinks it's hilarious that her name is Scottie. There's a tissue brand in Japan called Scottie and my ojiichan has boxes everywhere in his house. Kinda funny. Scotties everywhere! He loved playing with her and Scottie would smile and laugh back. It was the best.

This trip was mainly to spend time with family and that was just about my favorite thing ever! My family in Japan has always meant so much to me. I've always regretted not being able to speak Japanese and have a relationship with them. 

SO. Cam did something crazy. We'd always talked about how cool it would be if he were to transfer to the Tokyo Goldman Sachs office. Well. Since we were traveling over there anyways, he thought why not. He setup several meetings with high up VP's to introduce himself and talk about the possibility of transferring to the Tokyo office. 

Things are happening! 

Cam met with so many VP's that were excited and positive about the possibility, however, they got back to him once we got back to the states and told him that there's not much available right now. But that doesn't mean that there won't be an opening in the future. It's hard to wrap my brain around the thought, but what an amazing adventure it would be! To pick up and go to Japan. Live in the city, just me, Cam, and Scottie girl. It's scary to think that it could happen still because I'm a planner. I like to know. I like to color code my calendar...yes. I do that. I like to know when things are happening and on a note where we're talking about planning. My next baby. Would I get pregnant and deliver my second baby in Japan? It scares me to think they could come to us and say....ok guys! Here's a position. Now see you in a few weeks. 

WHAAAAT.

It's hard to live day to day thinking this may happen. So what I've decided is that I need to continue to live my life normally and keep this idea in the back of my head. Tucked away, but also readily available if it happens.

It would be a dream but a scary dream come true I think. Why does it scare me? Well. It would be me and Scottie alone in the tiny apartment. I won't have friends. I won;t have family. I won't have my community. BUT again, I've always regretted not learning Japanese and this would be my chance. Every time I think about my regret, it makes me cry. I cry because it's important to me. It's a huge part of my life and yet I don't know the language well enough to know my mom's family well.This would allow me to finally be able to truly tell my Ojiichan how I feel about him and his love. He's the most selfless, humble, happy man and I always want to thank him for everything he's done for us. My mom said when we left the train station this trip, he started to cry because he was so happy to have us all together. It makes me so sad to wave goodbye to him from the Tahara train station.I love him and his example he's set for his posterity. Not a day goes by that I miss him! He's continuing to see Obaachan at her elderly home and it is such an example of true love. They're the best and I always pray they are happy and healthy.We ate lots of delicious food in Japan! Cam and I tend to do that...haha we sound like little piggies. We look forward to meals when we travel. We're foodies alright?! I mean the food in Japan is just so incredible, we eat at the gas station half the time. I made sure to get enough Melon Soda while I saw there.It was so fun to have the entiiiiiire family there. Mom, dad, Sachi, Mari, DJ, Airi, Misa, Tanner, Oliver, Me, Cam, Scottie. Phew. Just typing that made me tired! Haha what an adventure it was. Babies. Crying. Laughing. Lots of people in a tiny house. And when I say a tiny house, it's a HUGE house in Japan.

All in all it was so great to have all the siblings together and we enjoyed talking and spending quality time together.We were in ofuro's about 1/2 of the trip. Haha I asked Cam, why are we not taking more pictures? And then I realized...well, we're naked and in bath's half the time! It truly was an ofuro almost every day it felt like. It was so amazing though. It truly feels like you're at a spa and for SO much cheaper than it would be for a spa day in the US. They're so relaxing and Scottie LLOVED it. She would just sit on my lap and looked like she was in heaven.I'll always want to visit Japan and hope that I can take all of my kids to Japan one day. The Melon soda, Katsu, DisneySea, Ofuro's, Candy, Family mart karage. All of it.

Until next time,

KRR

{ Her First Meal }

Today I gave Scottie her first taste of real food! Can you call it real food? Haha her face definitely showed how she was feeling.

I've been trying to feed her rice cereal for a week now. Every time I try, she looks at me like, "What in the world did you just put in my mouth." So I thought, ok why not try it. I tried it and it. was. AWFUL! How can we make babies eat this stuff?!

So, I decided ok. Well maybe she'll eat it if I mix in some flavor. I bought these pureed organic apple, oranges, and carrots mixes that I squirted into her rice cereal.

She ate it!

Still a little confused with the spoon, but she definitely ate more of it than usual. She gave me a great big smile at the end so I'm thinking we have a winner. Dr. Hansen told me to do veggies before fruit so that they don't just eat the sweet stuff. I figured it had carrots in it, right? I also bought a few sweet potatoes that I'll give a try before I go back to the sweet stuff. I'm so that mom that's going to make her own baby food. I mean, like I said. How can we make our babies eat that rancid stuff?! The canned baby food SMEEEELLLS. SO bad. Poor babies.

Scottie is too funny. She makes me laugh every day and is a dream come true. I think I had a little postpartum depression, which was hard. I think it had to do with several things that has happened since Scottie was born, but still. Depression. I wasn't smiling. But today I am.

I love this girl with all my heart. She's my dream come true and what a lucky mom I am to have such an angel baby. God knew I needed her.

Until next time,

KRR

{ Postpartum Life }

I want to write about this because I think it's important. Not many women talk about their postpartum experience and I think more than ever it needs to be talked about. Not once did someone warn me that recovery let alone everything that encompasses postpartum would be the hardest part about having a baby.

I knew it was real. I knew people struggled. But I didn't know how hard it was.

There has been a lot of different things that have happened in my life since Scottie was born that have triggered some deep emotions. I think that combined with motherhood, have sent me down a path of depression. It's weird to even type it out because not once did I think I would ever suffer from depression. I was sad at times, yes, I cried at times, yes. But never did I think depressed.

Cam and I talked about it the other day and he pointed out that I'm not happy. I'm not smiling, never laugh anymore. I thought "ok well yeah I've had some things happen in my life but I'm not depressed." It took me a drive in the car to really realize that he was absolutely right. I thought about the past four months of my life. I've had one of the most miraculous happiest moments of my life, delivering my baby girl. Why would I be depressed when this is all I've ever wanted in my life is to be a mom?

I decided I need to blog about it. I've said this before and I'll say it again--I blog to organize my thoughts. To better understand who I am and what makes me, me. I also hope that one day, these experiences that I go through, may help one of my kids, grandkids, grandkids kids, etc.

Being a mom is the best thing I've ever experienced. It's so amazing how much love I feel for my little Scottie. I never thought I could love a little human so much. I love seeing her learn new things and grow everyday. I want to protect her from all evil and want her to become a beautiful, kind, caring, woman one day. I have so many hopes and dreams for her.

So what's my deal? Why am I depressed?

One big piece of motherhood. Feeding your baby. Since Scottie got RSV, my milk supply tanked and has never been the same making it hard for Scottie to nurse. She gets so frustrated because my supply isn't where it should be. She gets frustrated and that makes me frustrated and we both turn into mean people. For a long time, I didn't want to go to bottles. I wanted to feed my daughter. I wanted to give her that nutrients and that was our bonding time. So many people love Scottie and want to spend time with her which I appreciate! I felt like for the first month of her life, she was in someone else's arms. I'm not complaining. I just wanted to have that with her and since my supply dropped, I wasn't able to successfully do so. I spent February-April power pumping, taking fenugreek, reading every breastfeeding article I could to get my milk supply up. Just last week, we went to Japan and my milk supply completely tanked from stress of traveling and no access to my pump. In Japan, I had no choice but to give her formula (plus some of Misa's boobie milk...haha I know. I'm telling you! It turns me into a crazy person.) and bottles. I finally came to terms on that trip that it was OK that I was doing that.

It's better that I'm FEEDING my baby and that she gets food. That's all that matters. I came to terms and decided ok, I'm going to pump and give her breastmilk in bottles and I felt good about that. Night times were easy because Scottie would feed from me since she was so tired and out of it she would just nurse no problem. Come day time, she wanted it quick and fast and that meant a bottle. Since power pumping in Japan, I was able to get my supply up and the last few days I was able to nurse her successfully! I have to start my let down because my let down has always taken 400 years to start. But I decided, I need to pick my battles.

Lately, that is what I've been doing and it has been pretty successful thus far. I want to be able to nurse Scottie for at least a year, but based on my history, I'm making small goals. I made a goal to nurse till 4 months. Hit that. Now I'm currently trying to nurse till 6 months and we'll see what happens then.

I'm realizing that this postpartum life needs to be compiled of small wins. Scottie may wake up several times a night. She may sleep and only wake up twice a night. I had her on this awesome schedule before Japan, but now that we're jet lagged, she's getting up 6x a night SCREAMING at the top of her lungs (I think she's going through a sleep regression?) and 4x a night by just wiggling around. This leaves me with 2-3 hrs of uninterupted sleep for an entire night and we're back to survival mode.

Survival mode. I think this is my third time in 4.5 months. Once when Scottie was born, again when she had RSV, and now getting over jet lag.

It's hard!

So hard. I am not a nice person when I don't get sleep so again, small wins.

I've lost myself in taking care of Scottie which I've ALWAYS wanted to do! I've always wanted to be a mom and that's it. What I didn't realize is that leaving a high profile career behind would be harder than expected. I went from a Regional Director to a Coordinator. Never would I ever think that would bother me. But it did. It affected me more than I had planned and wanted.

There's something about being successful in a workplace and having your co-workers know who you are and the work that you do. I missed that. A lot. SO I decided to go back to work part-time as a Coordinator so that I can be at home with Scottie and also get some portion of that.

It's different because my responsibilities aren't nearly as rewarding, stressful, hard, etc. But it's working for now. I get to do some adult work, and spend time with baby.

Lastly, and most importantly. Cam has told me that he no longer has a testimony in the Mormon church. This of all things has been the hardest, most emotional, scariest, heart wrenching news of all. I love him so. I don't know what my emotions are about it entirely, but I know that it's hard. And that's ok. I felt bad for the longest time (still sometimes do) that I didn't respond as positively as everyone else around us did. I promised Cam when we got married that I would love him no matter what. This is loving him no matter what. It's going to be a difficult and lonely journey at times, but I'm choosing to do it because I'm choosing him. I think over the next couple years I'll figure it out. For now it's a little confusing but what I know is I love Cam. I love how the gospel makes me feel. I love that it teaches us to be good people. I love the way the temple makes me feel. I love the way I feel when I hear church hymns and primary songs. I love my Scottie girl who was sent from heaven. God knows I need these things. These things are the reasons why I know the gospel is good for me. I may not know everything and may have more questions than I did, but I know those things above are true statements. Cam promised to support me. And I know he will. He's also promised to be an amazing dad. And I know he will. He's already shown his love everyday towards Scottie and that's enough. A person who loves his wife, supports her in her decisions, loves his daughter and would do anything for her. This is Cam's journey. My therapist has helped me realize that. I learned this from a dear friend who passed that this is Cam's journey and I've been wanting him to walk mine. But that's not how it works because second to giving birth, free agency is the biggest blessing that we have. I'm learning and will continue to learn how to grow and have this trial turn into a blessing in my life.

Until next time,

KRR


Thursday, May 11, 2017

{ Sickie wickie }

Scottie got sick...again! Like are you for real? This week has been really hard trying to keep her hydrated, suctioned, happy...well Scottie truly is always happy. I've been blessed with the happiest, smilie-est baby there ever was. Even when she's feeling as icky as she does now, she's smiling. I love her for that.

It's scary because I'm having major PTSD every time I have to suction her out. The RSV Hospital visit was NO JOKE. We went through a lot. Scottie went through a lot.

The poor girl has been through SO much in just four 1/2 short months of her life. She's truly blessed with strength, I can tell that about her already.

I'm going to start writing letters to her every week. I know. I know. A challenge in itself :) but I hope one day she can read them to truly understand how she's already changed our lives and grown into this beautiful lady. My mother did this when I was a baby and I was able to reflect back and read certain things about myself as a baby. I thought, hey! Scottie does that too. It's funny how genetics and personalities are passed down through generations. I hope I'm benefiting my posterity somehow...giving them some good traits.

Scottie:

Sweet girl! I'm so sorry that you got sick again. Mom feels really bad and cried in Japan when she heard your nose get congested...it reminded her of the scary five day hospital stay when you got RSV. Scottie I love you so much! Even when you're feeling sick, you still smile. It makes mom happy to know you're happy. I do everything for you. I worry about you. Mom and dad pray for your strength and health always. Keep smiling for us. You're growing like crazy. You're already tucking your knees under your belly trying to crawl! You crazy girl.

XOXO