I want to write about this because I think it's important. Not many women talk about their postpartum experience and I think more than ever it needs to be talked about. Not once did someone warn me that recovery let alone everything that encompasses postpartum would be the hardest part about having a baby.
I knew it was real. I knew people struggled. But I didn't know how hard it was.
There has been a lot of different things that have happened in my life since Scottie was born that have triggered some deep emotions. I think that combined with motherhood, have sent me down a path of depression. It's weird to even type it out because not once did I think I would ever suffer from depression. I was sad at times, yes, I cried at times, yes. But never did I think depressed.
Cam and I talked about it the other day and he pointed out that I'm not happy. I'm not smiling, never laugh anymore. I thought "ok well yeah I've had some things happen in my life but I'm not depressed." It took me a drive in the car to really realize that he was absolutely right. I thought about the past four months of my life. I've had one of the most miraculous happiest moments of my life, delivering my baby girl. Why would I be depressed when this is all I've ever wanted in my life is to be a mom?
I decided I need to blog about it. I've said this before and I'll say it again--I blog to organize my thoughts. To better understand who I am and what makes me, me. I also hope that one day, these experiences that I go through, may help one of my kids, grandkids, grandkids kids, etc.
Being a mom is the best thing I've ever experienced. It's so amazing how much love I feel for my little Scottie. I never thought I could love a little human so much. I love seeing her learn new things and grow everyday. I want to protect her from all evil and want her to become a beautiful, kind, caring, woman one day. I have so many hopes and dreams for her.
So what's my deal? Why am I depressed?
One big piece of motherhood. Feeding your baby. Since Scottie got RSV, my milk supply tanked and has never been the same making it hard for Scottie to nurse. She gets so frustrated because my supply isn't where it should be. She gets frustrated and that makes me frustrated and we both turn into mean people. For a long time, I didn't want to go to bottles. I wanted to feed my daughter. I wanted to give her that nutrients and that was our bonding time. So many people love Scottie and want to spend time with her which I appreciate! I felt like for the first month of her life, she was in someone else's arms. I'm not complaining. I just wanted to have that with her and since my supply dropped, I wasn't able to successfully do so. I spent February-April power pumping, taking fenugreek, reading every breastfeeding article I could to get my milk supply up. Just last week, we went to Japan and my milk supply completely tanked from stress of traveling and no access to my pump. In Japan, I had no choice but to give her formula (plus some of Misa's boobie milk...haha I know. I'm telling you! It turns me into a crazy person.) and bottles. I finally came to terms on that trip that it was OK that I was doing that.
It's better that I'm FEEDING my baby and that she gets food. That's all that matters. I came to terms and decided ok, I'm going to pump and give her breastmilk in bottles and I felt good about that. Night times were easy because Scottie would feed from me since she was so tired and out of it she would just nurse no problem. Come day time, she wanted it quick and fast and that meant a bottle. Since power pumping in Japan, I was able to get my supply up and the last few days I was able to nurse her successfully! I have to start my let down because my let down has always taken 400 years to start. But I decided, I need to pick my battles.
Lately, that is what I've been doing and it has been pretty successful thus far. I want to be able to nurse Scottie for at least a year, but based on my history, I'm making small goals. I made a goal to nurse till 4 months. Hit that. Now I'm currently trying to nurse till 6 months and we'll see what happens then.
I'm realizing that this postpartum life needs to be compiled of small wins. Scottie may wake up several times a night. She may sleep and only wake up twice a night. I had her on this awesome schedule before Japan, but now that we're jet lagged, she's getting up 6x a night SCREAMING at the top of her lungs (I think she's going through a sleep regression?) and 4x a night by just wiggling around. This leaves me with 2-3 hrs of uninterupted sleep for an entire night and we're back to survival mode.
Survival mode. I think this is my third time in 4.5 months. Once when Scottie was born, again when she had RSV, and now getting over jet lag.
It's hard!
So hard. I am not a nice person when I don't get sleep so again, small wins.
I've lost myself in taking care of Scottie which I've ALWAYS wanted to do! I've always wanted to be a mom and that's it. What I didn't realize is that leaving a high profile career behind would be harder than expected. I went from a Regional Director to a Coordinator. Never would I ever think that would bother me. But it did. It affected me more than I had planned and wanted.
There's something about being successful in a workplace and having your co-workers know who you are and the work that you do. I missed that. A lot. SO I decided to go back to work part-time as a Coordinator so that I can be at home with Scottie and also get some portion of that.
It's different because my responsibilities aren't nearly as rewarding, stressful, hard, etc. But it's working for now. I get to do some adult work, and spend time with baby.
Lastly, and most importantly. Cam has told me that he no longer has a testimony in the Mormon church. This of all things has been the hardest, most emotional, scariest, heart wrenching news of all. I love him so. I don't know what my emotions are about it entirely, but I know that it's hard. And that's ok. I felt bad for the longest time (still sometimes do) that I didn't respond as positively as everyone else around us did. I promised Cam when we got married that I would love him no matter what. This is loving him no matter what. It's going to be a difficult and lonely journey at times, but I'm choosing to do it because I'm choosing him. I think over the next couple years I'll figure it out. For now it's a little confusing but what I know is I love Cam. I love how the gospel makes me feel. I love that it teaches us to be good people. I love the way the temple makes me feel. I love the way I feel when I hear church hymns and primary songs. I love my Scottie girl who was sent from heaven. God knows I need these things. These things are the reasons why I know the gospel is good for me. I may not know everything and may have more questions than I did, but I know those things above are true statements. Cam promised to support me. And I know he will. He's also promised to be an amazing dad. And I know he will. He's already shown his love everyday towards Scottie and that's enough. A person who loves his wife, supports her in her decisions, loves his daughter and would do anything for her. This is Cam's journey. My therapist has helped me realize that. I learned this from a dear friend who passed that this is Cam's journey and I've been wanting him to walk mine. But that's not how it works because second to giving birth, free agency is the biggest blessing that we have. I'm learning and will continue to learn how to grow and have this trial turn into a blessing in my life.
Until next time,
KRR
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