Friday, December 8, 2017

{ Scottie Yuki Ryther | 11 months }

Weight: 17 lb 5 oz

E.L.E.V.E.N MONTHS!!! Holy cow. Where is time going!? My 5 lb baby is eleven months old? She's so big. I say this EVERY month. Every month! Yet it doesn't get old :)

I can't believe how much she has learned. She's started to sleep through the night which literally has changed my life. She sleeps from 8:00 p.m. - 8:00 a.m. and I am dead. Dead! I literally never thought this day would come. I look back on the past 10 months and at the time thought, "you know what, this sucks but I'm going to get through it and wake up like a normal person and do what normal people do even though I've had 2 hrs of sleep." Nope. Nope! I was not normal. So thank you Scottie for sleeping through the night.

She's also learned how to walk with help. She loves to walk and hold your hands. Her legs are a little unstable but she's doing awesome. Scottie also loves to whistle. It's so funny because not much noise comes out when she makes the "blue steel" face but you can definitely hear a little whistle but mostly just air from a tiny mouth. She thinks it's hilarious when other people whistle.

Scottie's favorite food is clementines! She will DOWN those things. More often than not, she's choking on all of her food because she stuffs her face full, and then realizes she can't swallow it all. I think I've de-gagged her 500 times by now.

Her favorite game to play is peek a boo in the car. I always put a blanket over her legs because you know, Utah. It's December weather in Fall. She picks up the blanket and hides her face, I say "Where's Scottie?" and then she pulls it down and has a giant grin on her face. She'll do that the entire way from our house to grandma/grandpa's house.

Still loves baths. Absolutely loves it but lately she's figured out that the shower knob pulls up and she will pull it up and down and up and down and up and down.

Scottie cannot STAND getting her diaper changed. It's like someone is pinching her. She can't even handle it and on top of that she hates getting dressed.

She's still itty bitty and wearing her 4-6 month clothes. We love all of her little body. She gives me open mouth kisses every time I get her from the crib in the mornign and I will always be grateful for her sweet spirit. I love you so Scottie girl.

Until next time,

KRR

Dear Scottie,

Happy 11 months baby girl! I will always call you my baby girl. You are so big. I can't believe how much you've learned this month and I'm so incredibly proud of you for being you. You're so smart and observant. You learn so much just by watching people. I like to think you got that from your mom :) You can do anything you put your mind to. I've been a little more emotional than not these days and your smile helps me get through. I tell you this every month but you truly are my angel. You came at the most perfect time and I was reminded of that again just recently when I went on a girls trip to Arizona. Your dad and I haven't had the easiest of times lately but you have helped us get through. You're our focus. You're our life. You help us love more. Sometimes it's hard to be patient with you but once you're asleep in my arms and I stare at your face, I realize again and again how perfect you are. You've completed our lives and we could not be more grateful to have you in our family. Keep radiating happiness.

We love you Scottie.

XOXO
Mom


Monday, October 30, 2017

{ Scottie Yuki Ryther | 10 months }

Weight: 16 lbs 8 oz

Our baby girl is getting so incredibly big! She hit 10 months and we're just in awe with everything she's doing these days. Scottie is seriously hilarious. She's such a cheezer and makes the funniest faces all the time. She's very alert, as she's always been since day 1, but even more so. She finds the tiniest, most minuscule, things on the floor, pick them up, look at them, and then pop them in her mouth. She will eat ANYTHING! I've definitely learned when she's eating food versus something naughty and have learned to pry things out of her mouth. She's also learned how to chomp her gums close so that I can't get in there.

She's getting even more stable when she stands and can now walk when you're only holding one hand! She loves playing peek a boo and sticking out her tongue. Still makes funny cooing and kitty cat noises.

Every time I get her out of the crib she greets me with the biggest smile, crawls over to the side, stands up and gives me an open mouth kiss. Scottie sleeps a LOT better than she did. She's waking up at 1am and 6am and that's it! Some people may think that still sucks but hey, it's not every two hours. We've been doing that for about 9 months now. Last week she was only getting up once at 6am and I'll take that. I call that sleeping through the night. It's amazing the difference I feel now that I can get a few extra hours of zz's.

Scottie loves to eat mandarin oranges, spaghetti, puffs, always puffs, cheese, and avocados. She's so messy that every time she feeds herself, I have to give her a bath. Scottie will take giant fist fulls of food and shove them in her mouth. She's so funny because she will chew chew chew and then start whining because she can't swallow it. Funny girl.

She's dominated the stairs and will go up them no problem without stopping. She doesn't know how to get down them just yet though so we have to watch her carefully.

Her hair is officially starting to grow! Hair, crazy right?! My bald baby is growing hair! It's still super light and of course very minimal up top, but there's hair.

Our girl is a smiler, still, smiling 24/7. Always has a big gummy smile on that cute adorable small head.

Scottie stopped breastfeeding a couple weeks after her 9 month mark and it has relieved stress big time. I do miss it a lot, but Cam can help me at night by getting up and feeding her a bottle and I am much more energized to take care of her. I'm proud of how far I made it with Scottie. I struggled to keep my supply up when she got RSV so from 2 months till 9 months, I was powerpumping and trying to make sure Scottie had enough milk. It wasn't easy, and I wish I could have gone 12 months, but I think my body was giving out so I had to switch to formula for several reasons. We made it that far though and I'm proud of that!

Scottie is a light to our lives and I was reminded during a girls trip that I took to Arizona, that Scottie truly came into mine and Cam's life in the perfect time. I couldn't understand why I wasn't getting pregnant and looking back, I do now. She is truly a beam of light in my life and I love her so much for being our happy girl. She makes me so happy.

Until next time,

KRR








Dear Scottie girl,

I can't believe how much you've learned and continue to learn. You're so amazing to watch and I never get sick of seeing the things that you learn day to day. I love you for being happy. Thank you for being a smiley girl. You're so funny and truly make mom laugh when she needs it. You bonk your head a lot, probably because you get that from me, but you're still so happy! Your big blue eyes are the prettiest and even strangers will comment on them. You're going to sweep a cute boy off of his feet one day with those eyes. I hope you never lose that light and will always remember to smile and be happy. There's a lot of sadness in this world, but with your attitude, life can be wonderful and great. I love you so much Scottie. You'll always be my baby.

XOXO
Mom


Tuesday, September 26, 2017

{ Scottie Yuki Ryther | 7 Months }

July 14, 2017

Weight: 15 lbs 2 oz

Happy seven months Scottie. It's been one month since Scottie had your breathing accident but I just can't get over it. Whenever people ask me how things are going, I refer to Scottie's accident as if it was just a week away. Cam reminded me the other day that it has been a month but it seems as if it were yesterday.

I will never get over that day.

We've taken you to see a neurologist since then. That was a hard day and I've never seen Cam more destraught then that day. I'm usually the weak one but I had to be strong for him. We had to strap you down as they put about 30 suction cups with wires to your head. Then they wrapped your head with gauze so everything would stay in place. Scottie was inconsolible. I've only seen her cry like that a few times and it was similar to her pain when she was deep suctioned in the hospital at 4 weeks old. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry once I saw her mummified, so I did both. They had me hold Scottie and wanted her to sleep for some of her test. The test ran for 30 minutes as they watched her on the camera and watched her brain activity. Cam was having a really hard time because the neurologist was trying to find any clues as to why her accident happened. She saw that Scottie tucks her thumb and thought it could be a sign of Cerebral Palsy. For some reason, I was very calm. I was confident that she didn't have it. I didn't think it was anything but it hit Cam very hard. We both cried when the EEG nurse left us to be monitored. I think Cam and I have been through a lot when it comes to Scottie. We've been through a lot as a couple this year, and I can't help but think Scottie's accidents were meant to teach us something. We needed to come together and rely on each other for love and strength. I would never wish Scottie's accidents upon anyone, but I know that Cam and I have grown from them.

I wish I could say that the pain and anxiety of the day of her accident will go away, but I don't think it ever will. I truly believed that I lost our beautiful Scottie girl. Every night, I'm reminded of that moment and I am so beyond grateful that she's still with us. We truly had angels in our house that night. I know there were angels helping Scottie come back to us.

As for things you're doing these days. We're back on track and starting solids again! I had to take a moment to pause and focus on Scottie because I didn't want any chance of choking or anything dangerous, so we went back to pureed foods. Scottie came back into my room because of my anxiety. She wore the Owlet sock every single night and it gave me peace until it didn't. Haha the sock unfortantely would go off every once in a while. Mostly the alarms where it couldn't get a good reading but there was one night where the red alarm went off. I ran as fast as I have ever run into Scottie's room to check on her. She was fine.

The anxiety has been a hard thing for me to balance these days. It takes over my body and every squeal, every weird facial expression. It makes me think she can't breathe.

Poor Scottie got another bug and I took her into the Dr.'s to make sure she was ok. Cam and I both knew she was sick but wanted to check to make sure it wasn't anything abnormal. She had a high fever of 102 that lasted about 4 days and then she broke out with a rash so my mom thinks it was Roseola. I remember giving her a bath and dressing her for bed and she was shivering uncontrollably. The face she was making was similar to what I saw during her accident so I was very high strung when she was sick.

Whenever Scottie gets sick, my PTSD kicks in. I just want her to be safe and happy and healthy.

Scottie went on her first vacation with the Beste family! We went to their family reunion in Island Park and she was able to hang out with all the cousins. Everyone was fighting over her because she's so dang cute. She loves to splash in the tub and is already trying to stand. She's such a big girl!

Until next time,

KRR

{ Scottie Yuki Ryther | 9 Months }

Weight: 15 lbs 9 oz

Happy nine months to our Scottie girl! I can't believe she's getting so old. (Classic mom talk, am I right?) I've turned into one of those moms already!

I was talking to one of my friends at church the other day and she reminded me "nine months in, nine months out!" I totally didn't even realize it. It's crazy to me how much she has grown. Not just physically, but mentally, emotionally. She's such a funny girl these days. She's so very determined to do her own thing and explore EVERYTHING. She's very attentive. To every detail. And I mean EVERY detail. From the day she could see the world she has been looking around and observing every little thing.

When I rock her to sleep in the rocking chair, she sits there and scratches at the material. When I wear jewelry, which is a VERY rare occasion these days, she'll sit there and pull at it. When I have any sort of detail on my shirt, pulling at it. She's so curious and wants to see it all.

Scottie learned to do so many things this month. She started to pull herself up to stand on just about everything. She can even let go with one hand and just stand there. Sometimes she'll take a step or two! She learned to walk with help. If you hold her hands, she'll just cruise. She loves walking. She's always watched the older cousins and you can see how desperately she wants to walk and run with them in here little eyes.

The poor girl got sick...AGAIN. This is her 5th time being sick in 9 months. It may not seem like much, but when the runny nose lasts 3 weeks, it seems like she's been sick A LOT! Apparently kids can get 10-15 colds a year. That's insane! We had a rough start with this one though. I was alone in Logan, staying the night with Caisie because Cam was still in the Phillipines. Oh yeah, Cam went to the Phillipines to visit his mission! We did the single mom thing for 10 days and it was HARD. Anyways, back to Caisie. We were at her house and everything was fine, until it wasn't. We laid down for bed and I could hear it. Her stuffy/runny nose. She couldn't breathe and was making weird sounds. She would wake up every 10 minutes and cry and I was so nervous she would wake up Caisie's kids. She kept screaming and it was like nothing before. She never did that! So I started panicking and my PTSD kicked in again. Remembering the bad times and I was all alone in the basement. I called my parents, and they drove from Bear Lake at 1 am to Logan, and drove us home to SLC. I felt so incredibly bad but I couldn't shake the anxiety. It was real and takes over when Scottie gets sick. I want to overcome it one day. I need to overcome it.

Scottie also learned to pick up food and eat real human food! She's been doing this for a while now but I think she's learned to not choke which was our problem at the beginning. I was terrified all the time so I just kept giving her pureed fruits and veggies. She didn't mind it. She actually loves her little squeezie and chugs it right out of the bottle now!

She's learned how to drink out of a straw and will DOWN water. LOVES water. The kid could drink water all day if I let her.

Scottie makes this funny squinty face when I say "no don't touch that" or "ahh no!" if she's really naughty and grabbing a cord, outlet, or lamp :S. Naughty girl.

Scottie says mama and dada. Mostly dada. She makes funny noises with her tongue and still makes little kitty cat noises all the time.

People still call her a "doll". Literally. Her big blue eyes that she got from her dad and her very round and still bald head are very "doll" like.

Scottie naps twice a day for two to three hours which is really awesome. Gives me time to work and clean and rest for a bit. Unfortunately the night routine hasn't gotten much better. She'll get up at midnight, 2am, 4am, and wakes up at 8am. Lately it's been midnight, 3am, 6am, wakes up at 8am. BUT I'm trying to enjoy it. People say it won't last forever and I get it, but it's exhausting nonetheless. I want to say that she's scared throughout the night and that's why she wakes up. It's like she needs me. And I'm ok with that if she needs me. I just wish I could keep her in my bed all the time and just have little sleepovers with her! Lately I'll bring her to bed with me at 4am and we'll sleep till 8 together. She's the cutest. She'll lay her head right on my chest or even on my face sometimes to fall asleep haha. Sometimes you just need to be touching your mom right??

We love our little Scottie girl that's growing up so fast.







Dear Scottie,

I am so proud of you. I say this every month but THIS month especially. You learned so much! It's so fun to see you grow. You giggle and smile at me all the time. When you smile at mom it makes me so happy to see that you're happy. That's all I ever want for you is for you to be happy. Remember to live life how you live now. Carefree and joyful. You're the biggest blessing for mom and dad and we couldn't thank you enough for your sweet little spirit. You teach us to be patient. You teach us to love deeper. Dad is absolutely smitten by you. He comes home from work and says over and over "I missed you!". It's so sweet to see the love between you and your dad. I hope that one day you can use that love you've learned from him and find someone to take just as good, if not better care of you and your precious heart. I love you so Scottie girl.

XOXO
Mom

Tuesday, August 22, 2017

{ Scottie Yuki Ryther | 8 Months }

Weight: 15.2 lbs

Happy eight months!

Scottie loves to move around. Move move move. Always on the go, looking for something to explore, discover. She's starting to pull herself up onto everything these days. I walked in a few weeks ago and you had sat up on your own in the crib. That's when I knew I'd be in trouuuble. I knew you'd be pulling yourself up onto the crib, couch, TV stand, in no time. And here we are, just a few days over you turning 8 months and I can't contain her! She's so curious and determined. The hard part is that her grib is unbelievable. I picked her up one time because she was getting into the humidifier. Well. She had the humidifier in her hand adn brought it with her :)  That thing is heavy too! She's hilarious.

Still army crawling like a pro but a few days ago I saw her pull up on her knees! We were in Bear Lake with the family and I caught her on her knees for two seconds, then she went back to her army crawling because she can get around pretty quick like that these days.

Scottie has discovered her bows! She'll yank them off so I have to be super discrete about it when I put them on her. I mean the poor thing doesn't have hair and has a gender neutral name. I love having bows on her little bald head, I just think it's the cutest thing.

She's outgrown her baby bath and has upgraded to the big tub and is LOVING it. Loves splashing around and the other day she swiveled onto her belly and was swimming around. She's the cutest in the tub. I try not to bath her every night because she has sensitive skin, but she loves it so much!

Unfortunately eight months has brought us several no sleep nights. Scottie has never been a good sleeper but it's really crazy at this stage. She goes to bed around 7:30 or 8:00 p.m. Wakes up at 9:00 p.m., 11:30 or midnight, 2:00 a.m., 4:00 a.m., 6:00 a.m., and then we're up at 8:30 a.m. or 9:00 a.m. Soooo no sleep actually. It's awful. Cam and I are trying to figure out what she needs and we're at a loss! We tried cry it out last night and that was bad news. Scottie was shaking after crying for an hour. We hated it. Absolutely hated every minute and when I went to get her, I started to sob. I couldn't believe I had tried that because I swore I'd never do it. I don't like the thought that she thought I wasn't there. Once I had picked her up, she wouldn't let go of me. I brought her to bed and laid her down between Cam and I. She immediately crawled over to me and climbed on my body to fall asleep. I put my arms around her and her little hands wrapped around my finger, holding so tightly. I think she must have some separation anxiety because I swear I feed her enough. I thought solids might do the trick but it's not working. I'm going to continue to do everything I can to make sure last night doesn't happen again. But that being said, I need sleep! I need to figure something out to where we're both getting what we need.

Scottie got sick...again! This is her 4th time being sick in 8 months. Obaachan thinks it's Roseola because she had a fever with no other symptoms and then she broke out in a rash. Sorry Scottie girl. Anyone that knows me knows that I'm the CLEANEST, and I mean cleanest, person out there. I try to keep the germs away from her but I guess it's inevitable? I have some major PTSD from her RSV experience so I probably get more worked up than I need to. But it's so incredibly sad to see a sick baby. They're so unhappy. Then I'm unhappy and even more exhausted than normal.

Scottie is so funny and fun in the day time. She's loud, makes noises, talks, scratches at new material. You can tell she's learning so much.

We love her so!

Dear Scottie girl,

I'm so happy that you are mine. Last night when I was holding you, I was quickly reminded of the scare you gave us at 6 months. When I'm frustrated with your sleep situation, I think of that time because we truly are blessed to have you here in our lives today. I couldn't even imagine what I'd do without you. The sleepless nights, giant purple bags under my eyes. I'd do it all over for you. I'd do anything for you. Now if you would just let me sleep at LEAST 4 hours that would be so great :) Will you do me a solid and start doing that for me again? Every 2 hours isn't going to cut it. I love you, but we're both failing in life because of it. I'm mean. You're tired. I need you to help me with this. Keep on being you. Learning, being courageous, determined, strong. I love you Scottie girl!

XOXO,

Mom


Saturday, July 29, 2017

{ Scottie Yuki Ryther | 6 months old }

Height: 24.6 in
Weight: 13.8 lb

6 months old.

That's halfway to 1, which means my baby is just about a teenager now... :) I can't believe how big my little girl is getting! She may still be in the 10th percentile for weight height, she may also be in the 2nd percentile for head circumference (haha the teensiest noggin), but she's my growing baby! Time needs to slow down. Or I need to learn to appreciate every day. Every fussy moment. Every cry. Every head bonk. Everything.

Today was a day I'll never forget.

I wish I could say it was a day I'll never forget because it was a happy day, but it wasn't. It wasn't even close. I think this day taught me to love even deeper than I do now. Even deeper than I thought I could ever love a tiny human.

Let me start from the beginning. Scottie and I went to see Dr. Hansen at 8:10 a.m. for her 6 month checkup! I knew it would be a semi rough day because we skipped her 4 month shots since we were in Japan, so today was a shot day. The appointment went really well, Scottie was healthy as a horse, moving around and wiggling like her normal self. Dr. Hansen said her ear infection was gone, she was great! We did her shots and she cried for a minute, calmed down, and we left. Dr. Hansen said this shot hurts a little more than the others so be sure to massage her legs.

She took a few naps that morning, ate her first solid! YAY! (Bananas. She spit EEEVERYTHING out besides that so we were so excited that she finally liked her first solid) and then I headed to my parents house as Kenz and Mal were coming over to swim. We had such a fun time playing in the water with Mal and Kenz and little Els. It was such a fun filled day, nothing unusual other than Scottie being a little fussy from her shots. I decided she's probably hurting from her shots so I gave her 2 ml of Tylenol and then she went down for a nap. After she woke up, we went home to see her dad.

Since Cam doesn't get to spend much time with Scottie throughout the week, he typically plays with her once he gets home. He was playing with her as usual, I gave her a couple spoonfuls of banana, and then I started taking her upstairs for a bath. This is the part that I wish I could forget.

I had Scottie on my hip and thought she was acting weird and limp. I got to the tub and did our usual routine. Set her on the bath mat, turn to the tub to fill up her baby bath, then back to Scottie to start undressing her. I looked at her and noticed her arms in this strange position and looked as if they were frozen. Her eyes were looking to her right side and she was making this monotone "ah" sound. I thought, ok that's weird what is she doing? Then my mind went to, "ok is she having a seizure?". I pick Scottie up and start saying "Cam, will you come up here?". The next thing I know, Scottie has gone limp, her eyes roll up and down to close and back open and I immediately scream to Cam to call 911. I'm running down the stairs screaming "call 911, call 911". Cam comes running to the end of the staircase, and just yells "Scottie!" as loud as he could. "Scottie stay with us, Scottie stay with us!". He then fumbles around to find his phone, dials 911, and procedes to give them our information. Meanwhile, Scottie is as grey as can be. I noticed her grey color on the stairs when I was running down but I just remember as the seconds and minutes went by, the greyer she became. Staring off into the distance just lifeless. I was frantically holding her and yelling at Cam to ask the 911 rep to tell us what to do.

I had no idea what to do. I thought I was losing my baby.

My baby was greyer by the minute and her lips were the same color as her body. I remember laying her on the ground as her arms just fell to her side thinking, "this is it. I'm losing my sweet angel baby". Cam kept shaking her and bugging her to keep her awake. No response. We couldn't even get a response with her eyes. She was not following us. She was not there.

I dialed Aubrielle and just screamed Scottie is grey she's not breathing. She sent Alex over because she was out of town (of course this happens...).

After about 4-5 minutes, the 911 rep told us to listen for her breathing. I put my ear next to her mouth and started to hear her catch her breath. I would say "now" every time I heard her breathe. It felt like the breaths were long from when I would say now, but slowly she started breathing again.

Alex came running through the door at this point. Scottie was breathing.

The paramedic came shortly after and about 7 paramedic team members came rushing through my door. It felt like eternity but we later checked Cam's phone to find that the paramedics arrived in just 9 minutes. The first thing the paramedic told me was "she's ok, she's breathing". Then they started working on her. Checking her vitals. She was still grey, but I noticed there was some pink color that had returned to her lips.

The paramedic felt comfortable with her vitals that they didn't need to take her in the ambulence but they wanted us to take her into the ER to get checked out. Cam and I felt ok to take her (plus we weren't about to fork out $10,000 for a glee ride into the hospital). Of course, if it were crucial she would have already been in the ambulence.

Once the paramedic left and Cam and I were alone again, we just sat. Sat together on the couch sobbing. I remember verbally saying "Why" over and over through the tears. I couldn't understand why this horrible accident happened and what had even triggered it. Cam and I couldn't fathom losing our baby girl. I think Scottie was just exhausted at that point because I was holding her in my arms and she was acting like nothing had happened. I'm sure she was so tired.

After gathering our emotions, of what emotions we could gather, Cam and I hurried and packed up the car, I changed out of my swimsuit (still in my swim suit from that afternoon), and we drove to the Riverton ER. On the way over, I was bugging Scottie because I was so worried something would happen again and she'd stop responding to us. I was playing with her toys and would grab her hands as she was pretty limp and just sitting in her carseat. I picked up her hands and legs and she had no resistence. She was exhuasted.

We got to the ER. Again, admitting Scottie to the ER.

Felt like we were just there.

Once we were admitted, we had several medical nurses come in and ask us what happened. I tried to tell the story the best I could but couldn't put a time frame on anything as it felt like forever. The Dr. came in and again, we retold the story. He said we should do an EKG on her heart to see if everything looked ok. All was well. Poor little Scottie had to have millions of little stickers all over her chest. Luckily she was pretty out of it so it didn't bother her much, just bothered her parents :)

Scottie was fine! Everything was fine. 100% healthy. The Dr. came back after we had monitored her for 2-3 hrs. He said her vitals were great and he felt comfortable sending us home. He told us after talking to several Pediatricians, that they categorized her accident in what they now call BRUE. It's a life threatening event that ends. Dr.'s have no idea why this happens, it just does. Happens to 13% of babies where you just don't know what or why it happened. I absolutely hated this answer. Hated it because I couldn't prevent it.

So. Cam and I went home. Because we caused quite the scene on our street, several neighbors knew about Scottie and what happened. That night, I had an Owlet monitor in my mailbox to use from Bishop. I can't be more thankful for such an awesome community and neighborhood that continues to look out for my family even though I may not be the best neighbor.

I knew I wouldn't sleep, Cam was exhausted so he actually got some sleep. I think we got home around 2:00 a.m. and I woke up just about every 30 minutes to check on her. She wasn't even far either. She was in the Dockatot, right in the middle of Cam and I. Yet I couldn't not check on her. I think I cried several times while Cam and Scottie both slept.

Why did this happen.

Morning came and I woke up thinking last night was a bad dream, but it wasn't. It was totally reality. How in the world did that happen.

All I can say is that there were angels in our house. Angels surrounding Scottie, helping her through the accident and helping her come back to us. I don't even know what I would do if I lost her. It would completely break me. She has been my saving grace and my angel baby through this time in my life.

I love her so.

Scottie. 6 months old and still smiling :)















{ I want the world for you }

July 13, 2017

To my Scottie:

I'm sorry. 

I need to apologize for my behavior. I haven't been myself and I told myself that I'd never yell at you and I have. You don't let me sleep and that turns me into a crazy person. You get up every two hrs after midnight and want to nurse and I've been trying to sleep train you with everything that I have but I've failed. I've gotten really upset and I'm sorry for that. 

I want to be the best I can be for you and I always want you to be happy. That's all I ever want for you, for you to live a happy life. I want you to live, love, laugh. I know you'll have worries and things of this world that will make you sad, but I want to protect you from it all!

It's so rare that you ever cry. 

Ever! 

So many people comment about you that you're the happiest baby and I can't thank you enough for being that for me. You truly are my angel during dark times. I feel that you came when I needed you most. I wanted you here so incredible bad for such a long time and couldn't understand why you weren't here. Now I know. I needed you here to help me through these times and Heavenly Father knew that too. I can't say it enough. My angel and my saving grace. I can't wait till you're older and we can have so many girls days together. I hope you'll want to hang with an oldie like me!! I love you so Scottie girl.