{ Willow Lynne Yuzu Ryther - birth story }

 Party of FIVE coming in so hot. I can't even believe that saying it out loud. But here I am, laying in bed next to my third child, feeling so incredibly grateful for these beautiful babies that have joined our family.

I thought this pregnancy would be the same as the other two, thinking my fluid would be low. Thinking I would have to deliver early at 38 weeks because my babies were better off being out than in with low fluid. But I was very wrong.

First, let's start off with the chaos of changing doctors at 36 weeks pregnant. Yep. Cam got a new job and our insurance changed which meant I couldn't deliver with Dr. Smith at Alta View Hospital anymore. I was devastated because I really enjoy Dr. Smith as he's always listened to me, given me all the info regarding my pregnancies, really took the time to sit with me, etc. Fortunately, I had delivered with Dr. Watts with Stockton at St. Marks and knew I enjoyed him as a Dr. as well. I quickly called to get on his schedule. The front desk receptionist booked me an appointment that was over 4 weeks out and I told her that wasn't going to work because my baby would be here at that time. It felt crazy. So they transferred me back to Rebecca who is his MA and she got me in right away.

Dr. Watts came in with a big smile and greeted me like it had been no time since I'd had Stockton. Honestly that was exactly what I needed to feel comfortable switching Dr.'s so late in the game. He's the best.

Ok so onto Willow's birth story. What a wild ride. Dr. Watts would check my fluid every week and every week it was great! 36 weeks it was a 12. 37 weeks it was a 10. And then we hit 38 weeks. My fluid was an 11 so it was still in great shape. I was dilated to a 2 and 70% effaced. He stripped my membranes as I'd been having painful contractions for two weeks prior. We also set an induction date for 2/24/22 just in case I didn't go into labor. The next day my plug came out and I thought, "ok this must be it". Maybe I won't go into labor tonight, but maybe this week! So I did all the things. I walked on a treadmill. I ate pineapple. I ate spicy food. I bounced on my kids bouncy ball. All of the things to try to get my body to progress even further. Yet. Nothing. My body just didn't want to go into labor on its own. That entire week was a whirlwind of emotions. Every night I thought, ok maybe this is it. Then the morning would come and I'd still have a big belly with aching pains everywhere. I was hurting. And it wasn't ending. I felt like I was in this long tunnel and there was no way out. Something to note is that I chose to quarantine myself from Christmas till February because Covid cases were out of control. There was a point where the case count got over 12,000 a day which was insane compared to when we thought 2,000 was a lot. I wanted to keep myself healthy for delivery and obviously was scared of what it might do to my pregnancy. So. With that in mind, I was REALLY ready to deliver this baby and get back to what felt like normal life.

I went in on a Monday and Dr. Watts came into the room, so happy again. Asked how I was and I responded with "I don't know", and immediately started to cry. I felt so unstable. I had had lots of negative emotions that morning of things like what if I didn't love this baby. What if I didn't bond with this baby. Especially since I didn't know the gender. Cam and I hadn't decided on names. I'd been sick for almost 9 months straight I was worried I'd never feel a connection even after the baby was born. And boy was I wrong. But in the moment it felt very real. Dr. Watts listened and gave me a hug. I told him how I thought my body would go into labor but it never did that week. I asked if I could come back tomorrow to get induced because I was so uncomfortable. Baby had dropped so much that there was so much pressure and it felt like she was going to fall out every time I stood up.

He was so kind and just said, "let's call labor and delivery right now and see what they have on the schedule, let's try to make it happen." He pulled out his cell right there, put them on speaker, and asked if I could get bumped up to tomorrow. They said yes. And again. The tears. I was so happy and felt so relieved! It was like 9 months of worries and pain had been lifted off of me. 

Little did I know it was going to be the most crazy day the very next day. The next day was 2/22/22. A day that everyone in the world wanted to have their babies. I hadn't really thought about it until everyone was messaging me about it. They were all excited for me that my baby would have the coolest bday ever. And I was excited! The hospital told me to call in at 6am and they would give me a time to come in to be induced.

Cam and I took the kids to my moms. I asked the kids one last time what they thought baby was. Stock thought a girl, Scottie thought a boy. I kissed them goodbye and Cam and I went home and went to bed. Preparing to meet our baby so soon.

I called in at 6am and they told me they had a handful of moms come in overnight in labor so to call back at 9am. I called at 9am. They told me that they were still busy so to call back at 1pm. 1 pm rolls around and I call back and they say again, they're so busy. Moms are still in labor, I'm #1 on the list to come in next and to call back again at 5pm. Now here we are at 5pm and I'm thinking, ok this has to be it. I call in and the nurse tells me they're still very busy. They have a lot of first time laboring moms that are taking a long time as well as having two women that needed to be induced due to medical reasons. She also told me there were two others on the list before me which felt weird because I was told I was next. The entire time on the phone I felt like they were all just lying to me and that everyone was trying to get in to have their baby on 2/22/22. Granted so was I apparently. Not so much for the date, but just because I wanted baby here with us and the date was like a plus 1. The nurse told me it was very unlikely at that point that I would be able to come in and that she said they could call me at 2am or anytime in the middle of the night to bring me in. At that point it was just too much and I decided I'd just go in on 2/23/22 to have baby. She also said that 2/23 was busy as well and I may not get in but I could try. I hang up the phone and told Cam to come get my phone from me because I was so disappointed and sad. I immediately started filing off my nails because I had nothing else to do and was devastated we weren't going to meet baby. 

20 minutes later my phone ring and its labor and delivery from St. Marks. I answer and a sweet nurse tells me if I come in right away, they can squeeze me in! WHAT! I was shocked. And so happy. And surprised. And ecstatic! Cam and I packed up right away...after I had hurried and put a base coat of shellac on haha. We got to the hospital 30 mins after she called and got checked in.

They checked us in, got me dressed in my gown and by 6pm we were ready to roll. I was dilated to a 3 and 80% effaced and thought maybe I'd let my body labor on its own with the pitocin to see if I'd progress faster. They started my pitocin at 7pm. The nurse was also able to get to my vein in my hand on the first attempt! I was thrilled because normally I have blown veins in both hands, wrists, arms, until they get one in my elbow. Unfortunately my body didn't progress much at all other than placement. My contractions started getting stronger at 9pm, I was still a 3, but baby had dropped which was good. The first nurse that checked me in told me that Dr. Watts wanted me to get my epidural sooner v. later because then they could break my water. For some reason my deliver nurse, Britt, told me to not worry about what he wanted and to do what I wanted. This was my labor. Which I 100% appreciated. But I was definitely feeling the stress of everyone wanting me to have baby on 2/22/22. Anyways. I made the decision to wait and got my epidural at 10pm. It was the best epidural I'd ever had. I couldn't feel my contractions but I could still feel, wiggle, and move my legs. The anesthesiologist, I think his name was Joe, was so kind and nice and talked to me like I was an old friend. The on call Dr., Dr. Hua broke my water at 10:45pm and fluid came out. That was a first for me! I'd never had extra fluid and it was something I felt excited about. Cam and I turned on a Netflix show, I ate apple juice soaked pebble ice, and we waited. My body progressed super quick after getting my water broken. By 12:15am I was a 7 and 90% effaced. Dilated to an 8 at 12:45am. At that point, my nurse had told me if I feel pressure and feel like I have to poop, to tell her. I felt it. And hit my nurse button. She came in and told me I was still an 8/9. She said she'd be back in 15 mins. So I said ok. She came back in and I asked her to check to see if I was pooping because I felt so much pressure down there. She checked and said..."oh". And immediately I thought am I pooping?! Nope. She said I was bleeding a little which meant I'd progressed and was ready to push. She checked me. I was a 10 at 1:20am, ready to roll but Dr. Watts wasn't there! She told me to cross my legs and not to push, cough, sneeze. I was so worried this baby was coming and that she or even Cam would have to catch baby!

Dr. Watts got there at 1:40am. Smiling and energetic even though it was the middle of the night. He got all gowned up and we started pushing. I pushed 5x for 10 seconds each and then. Baby was here. Born on 2/23/22. A palindrome bday. 1:45am our perfect little girl was here. I was incredibly emotional and was crying even before she came out. It felt like all the pain and sickness and struggle of the last 9 months was finally coming to an end. We had lost Cams mom. My uncle Mike. All within months of each other. Trying to navigate what this meant for me and Cam. Trying to navigate what real grief meant and how to survive it. How to be there for Cam. This pregnancy was hard. Incredibly hard not just on my body, but my mental health as well. It felt heavy. 

Cam was the one to say if it was a boy or a girl. At first he couldn't tell but then shortly after said, "it's a girl!". A baby girl. I had another baby girl! And in that moment, I felt it. Bonded. I was bonded with her like I'd known her the entire time. She came out incredibly calm, didn't cry for a while, then she cried and it was the softest sound I'd heard. She stopped crying very soon after and everyone was just shocked at how calm she was. We did skin to skin and I just soaked in her warmth. She was here. Finally. 

15 minutes later and I thought to try to nurse. She latched on with no issues and nursed for 30 minutes. And nurses like a champ to this day! They weighed her and she was 7 lb 3 oz. 19 1/2 inches long. One lb heavier than her brother and 2 lbs heavier than her big sis! We couldn't believe it. She was our biggest baby.

Soon after delivery, Dr. Watts asked if she had a name. Cam said "Willow!" right away. We were all kind of laughing because we hadn't even had a second to talk about it. Mari was in there taking pictures and she told me that I did apparently tell one of the nurses we liked Willow the most. I don't remember this at. all.

They moved us up to our room at 4am and Cam and I were in heaven. Our baby Willow was here. Safe. Healthy. We love her so much. Her middle name is named after Cam's mom along with her Japanese heritage. It felt important to have both. She holds a very sacred name and we're excited for her to learn all about her name. Yuzu's meaning is healthy, beauty, and pure. And she's just that. It's also a delicious lemon/orange fruit and I had the best Yuzu lemonade at Momofuku in Vegas that previous year. We'll be having that on her bday every year :) 

She's two weeks in two days and I just can't even imagine our family without her. We love you so much Willow Lynne.

{ Stockton Kazu Ryther | 5 months old }

{ Stockton Kazu Ryther | 4 months old }

{ Stockton Kazu Ryther | 3 months old }

Happy three months son! You are such an angel and bring so much light into our family. This month you’ve learned how to ROLL! You’re such a smart boy and are so funny when you try to roll. You turn your head and shove it into the carpet and keep it there to try to roll over. You still need some help from mom but once I give you that little push, you pop right up and genuinely love tummy time.

This is the second month we’ve been dairy free and it seems to be getting a little easier. Mom still feels like she’s starving but I know that it’s making you feel better so I’m ok with it. As long as you’re happy, I’m happy. That’s all I want for you.

You caught a nasty cold from your cousins and sister and mom feels so bad for you! You’re up all night constantly coughing and gagging because of your lovely gag reflex. Will you ever grow out of that?! I love you. But it would
Be nice to be done with the puking.

You love bath time and smile at your sis when she dumps water on you.

You smile ALL the time. You’re such a little chatter box too! Very social. Taking after your mom maybe?

Your sister is really showing you love this month.

We love you lots.

XOXO

{ Stockton Kazu Ryther | 2 months old }

This month we found out why you're so sad all the time. You can't eat DAIRY! Which means mom can't eat dairy. Poor bug. You've had a stomach ache this entire time and here we are thinking you're just a colic baby.

{ Stockton Kazu Ryther | 1 month old }

One. Not quite sure how time is flying so fast. We're so in love and incredibly exhausted from trying to navigate how to be parents to two little souls.

{ Stockton Kazu Ryther }

Stockton my boy. My son! I have a beautiful son.

To start my birth story, let’s go back a week. On Monday, August 6th I had my 38 week check up with Dr. Watts and a non stress test. We did several of those along with several ultrasounds to make sure Stockton was growing how he should because of my history with IUGR. He was always small, but healthy!

That day I told Dr. Watts that I’d been having some contractions and he thought it would be a good idea to strip my membranes to see if we could get me to go into labor on my own. I had an induction date set for August 15th which would put me at 38 1/2 weeks. The exact same delivery timeframe as I was with Scottie. Well the day he stripped my membranes, it threw me into a week long labor! The next day, I lost my mucus plug which I never did with Scottie so I thought ok, this seems like labor because I was having contractions 5-10 mins apart. Of course this was in the middle of the night. They weren’t consistent for the entire 6 hrs I was counting, but they were on and off consistent. I’d never experienced going into labor on my own so I thought this must be it.

Cam and I called Jerry and Lynnette and at 2am, we went to St. Marks to labor and delivery. I was having contractions on my way in, but once I got there and hooked up to the machine, they stopped.

They monitored me for a while, checked my cervix and said I was a 2 and 70% effaced. Since my contractions stopped and I wasn’t making any progress, they sent us home around 6am which puts us at Tuesday morning.

Thursday rolls around and I have another ultrasound and nonstress test. Baby boy looked good! He had dropped from the 11th percentile to the 5th earlier that week so that’s why we set an induction date for him. Dr. Watts was always so kind to call me personally and tell me what the plan was. That day during the ultrasound I had told them that I felt like my amniotic fluid might be leaking. I was at a 10 that day and anything under a 5, they send you to labor and delivery. Since fluid levels were always a concern with my pregnancy, I was so anxious and worried about it. So they told me to go to labor and delivery downstairs and run a test to see if there might be a small hole and that my fluid was slowly leaking.

As I’m undressing and putting on those awful gowns, in comes my nurse. Madi Owens! I danced with Madi at skyline and was an SBO with her as well so it was a fun surprise. She was my nurse! I couldn’t believe it. She asked if I cared that she was my nurse and I’ve always loved Madi so I didn’t mind. Madi got me hooked up to the machine, again, and we monitored. She did the fluid test and said it would take 30 mins to run so she sent the test back to get checked. She checked me and I’d dilated to a 3 but was still 70% effaced. Meanwhile, we caught up, I had a few contractions, talked about how if it was positive they’d keep me there, and then the results came back.

Negative.

I was happy but also sad at the same time because I’d had a decent amount of contractions since my Monday appointment with Dr. Watts. So, Madi sent me home! She told me her schedule for the next few days as I was hoping I might go into labor in the next little while. Madi was leaving town for a week but said she was working Sunday and Monday the next week. We hugged and hoped I would go into labor on those days. So again, I was sent home.

Nighttime rolls around and I’m having painful, 2-5 mins apart contractions, AGAIN! They lasted for 6 hrs in the middle of the night so again, I assumed and thought ok, this HAS to be it. We get in the car to go to labor and delivery for the third time. I fill out the same paperwork I’ve filled out three times, then they put us into a room.

They hook me up to the machine and check my cervix. I’d dilated to a 3 so I made some progress but was still 70% effaced. My contractions weren’t regular at this point so they told me to walk the hospital for an hour. Cam and I went outside to walk and we walked down a few streets into a neighborhood. I couldn’t help but feel so incredibly embarrassed that I kept going into labor and delivery and getting false alarms so I just started to cry. I wanted baby boy here so badly but also I was in so much pain. I thought this was it.

We head over to 711, buy a drink and a few donuts and head back.

They checked me and again, sent us home.

I was done thinking I was going into labor on my own at this point. The weekend went by, slowly, but surely. My mom had us over for yakiniku on Sunday and it was delicious as always. During dinner I was having more contractions that were more painful. I was having to stop to hold the arms of the chair while having them. They were SO uncomfortable.

We went home that night and again. Contractions 2-5 minutes apart ALL night after midnight. I was too scared to pull the trigger and wake Cam up so I just endured them. By 6am I couldn’t take the pain. I called the on call Dr because I was nervous to make the wrong decision again. I stared to cry a little and was having contractions on the phone and had to pause while I was trying to explain my symptoms. The Dr on Call told me, you know it sounds like you’re in a lot of pain I can hear you contracting so maybe wait another 20 mins, if they’re consistent still, come on in.

So I did just that. I went upstairs to put on makeup, and the contractions weren’t stopping. At that point I thought I must be at least dilated to a 6 because I was in so much pain.

We get to labor and delivery around 9 am, they hook me up, Check my cervix and I’m still a 3. HOW?! Luckily Madi was working that day and I just broke down and asked her if Dr watts would keep me there and induce me because my induction date was two days away anyways. I was in so much pain and could take another long night of contractions. She said she’d go talk to him and meanwhile had me get dressed to walk for an hr again. The next thing I know i see Dr watts pop his head in and ask how I’m doing. I started to cry again and was explaining to him how I first felt so stupid and second how I was in so much pain. He was so sweet and told me he wanted to just come give me a hug and told me he was going to keep me there. I immediately had a huge sense of relief come over me. No more pain! He asked if that was ok with me and of course I said YES! The nurses still had me walk to see if I could dilate any further. I walked the hospital, stopped for contractions, had lots of stares as people knew EXACTLY what I was trying to do. It was kind of funny actually to see people’s reactions. A giant prego lady walking the halls and stopping mid walk to breathe through a contraction.

Cam went to get some food since we knew we’d be locked in for a while and wouldn’t be eating anytime soon. He got a Betos burrito, I got a McDonald’s hashbrown, yogurt parfait and orange juice.

Once we finished breakfast it was about 11am. They had a room ready for me so they sent us off to room 4 to deliver and meet our baby boy!

My cute nurse was an older lady, her name was Gaylene and she was the sweetest. She started to prep me and attempted to do an IV. She, and the head nurse blew 3 veins and at this point, I’m crying again. I’m having painful contractions and not only having PTSD from the first experience (they blew 4 veins with Scottie), but am in pain on both arms again. Both my hands felt broken. They asked the anesthesiologist to come in to try because my veins are apparently tiny. The anesthesiologist finally got a vein in my hand, but it took a long time and Cam said it looked like the worst experience ever. I just stared at the ceiling and closed my eyes, trying to forget about the pain.

By this time it’s around noon and the anesthesiologist was getting ready to do my epidural. I was in so much pain and having contractions so when he asked me to curl up in a ball, I struggled big time. This was the absolute worst experience and worst pain I think I’ve felt! The Dr couldn’t get the epidural right so he had to do it twice. By this time I’m drenched in sweat and feeling like I’m going to throw up. Gaylene gave me a zofran to help and was wiping my face with a cold cloth. She I was so sweet and I was so grateful for her. She just held my hand and was comforting me just the way I needed comfort. Once the epidural was successfully placed, I started to feel better. Thank goodness for modern medicine!

Once my IV was in, gaylene checked me and I was a 4 which meant I was progressing on my own! I was going into labor! Dr Watts came in and told us that he’d come back in a while to break my water. He came back around 2:30 pm and I’d dilated to a 5 1/2 when he broke my water. When he broke my water, he said not much at all came out. So they decided to put the monitor around Stockton’s head just as they did with Scottie. They also decided to put fluid in so that the umbilical cord wouldn’t collapse. Around this time Madi came in to be my delivery nurse!

I remember every time I contracted, fluid would come out just like a normal delivery would. THATS what it feels like to pee your pants and have no control?! Haha I laughed every time.

I stalled at a 5 1/2 for a while so they decided to put me on pitocin at this point. They put me on pitocin for an hour and then took me off to progress on my own. It was 4 pm at I was a 6. I got the epidural shakes really bad during labor so Mari and Cam would put pressure on my entire body to try to help me. I remember my entire jaw hurting so bad from shaking. Madi kept checking on me and we kept catching up. By 5 pm I was an 8. Then as we were talking I told Mari, I feel like he’s coming out. So we rang the nurse button and Madi came in to check me. Sure enough it was 5:55 pm and baby Stockton was making his entrance! I was a 10! I couldn’t believe it was here already.

Dr Watts came through the door and we were ready to push. I pushed for five minutes and then the most beautiful baby boy was born. I sobbed. Sobbed so many tears because I was grateful for this human and was so happy he was safe! Cam and I brought this amazing son into our lives and I couldn’t believe it. Someone I love so dearly to raise a son with.

Stockton Kazu Ryther was 6 lb 2.8 oz and 19 in long. Born at 6:05 pm. He is the sweetest little soul and I’m grateful he’s ours.

{ Scottie Yuki Ryther | 11 months }

Weight: 17 lb 5 oz

E.L.E.V.E.N MONTHS!!! Holy cow. Where is time going!? My 5 lb baby is eleven months old? She's so big. I say this EVERY month. Every month! Yet it doesn't get old :)

I can't believe how much she has learned. She's started to sleep through the night which literally has changed my life. She sleeps from 8:00 p.m. - 8:00 a.m. and I am dead. Dead! I literally never thought this day would come. I look back on the past 10 months and at the time thought, "you know what, this sucks but I'm going to get through it and wake up like a normal person and do what normal people do even though I've had 2 hrs of sleep." Nope. Nope! I was not normal. So thank you Scottie for sleeping through the night.

She's also learned how to walk with help. She loves to walk and hold your hands. Her legs are a little unstable but she's doing awesome. Scottie also loves to whistle. It's so funny because not much noise comes out when she makes the "blue steel" face but you can definitely hear a little whistle but mostly just air from a tiny mouth. She thinks it's hilarious when other people whistle.

Scottie's favorite food is clementines! She will DOWN those things. More often than not, she's choking on all of her food because she stuffs her face full, and then realizes she can't swallow it all. I think I've de-gagged her 500 times by now.

Her favorite game to play is peek a boo in the car. I always put a blanket over her legs because you know, Utah. It's December weather in Fall. She picks up the blanket and hides her face, I say "Where's Scottie?" and then she pulls it down and has a giant grin on her face. She'll do that the entire way from our house to grandma/grandpa's house.

Still loves baths. Absolutely loves it but lately she's figured out that the shower knob pulls up and she will pull it up and down and up and down and up and down.

Scottie cannot STAND getting her diaper changed. It's like someone is pinching her. She can't even handle it and on top of that she hates getting dressed.

She's still itty bitty and wearing her 4-6 month clothes. We love all of her little body. She gives me open mouth kisses every time I get her from the crib in the mornign and I will always be grateful for her sweet spirit. I love you so Scottie girl.

Until next time,

KRR

Dear Scottie,

Happy 11 months baby girl! I will always call you my baby girl. You are so big. I can't believe how much you've learned this month and I'm so incredibly proud of you for being you. You're so smart and observant. You learn so much just by watching people. I like to think you got that from your mom :) You can do anything you put your mind to. I've been a little more emotional than not these days and your smile helps me get through. I tell you this every month but you truly are my angel. You came at the most perfect time and I was reminded of that again just recently when I went on a girls trip to Arizona. Your dad and I haven't had the easiest of times lately but you have helped us get through. You're our focus. You're our life. You help us love more. Sometimes it's hard to be patient with you but once you're asleep in my arms and I stare at your face, I realize again and again how perfect you are. You've completed our lives and we could not be more grateful to have you in our family. Keep radiating happiness.

We love you Scottie.

XOXO
Mom

{ Scottie Yuki Ryther | 10 months }

Weight: 16 lbs 8 oz

Our baby girl is getting so incredibly big! She hit 10 months and we're just in awe with everything she's doing these days. Scottie is seriously hilarious. She's such a cheezer and makes the funniest faces all the time. She's very alert, as she's always been since day 1, but even more so. She finds the tiniest, most minuscule, things on the floor, pick them up, look at them, and then pop them in her mouth. She will eat ANYTHING! I've definitely learned when she's eating food versus something naughty and have learned to pry things out of her mouth. She's also learned how to chomp her gums close so that I can't get in there.

She's getting even more stable when she stands and can now walk when you're only holding one hand! She loves playing peek a boo and sticking out her tongue. Still makes funny cooing and kitty cat noises.

Every time I get her out of the crib she greets me with the biggest smile, crawls over to the side, stands up and gives me an open mouth kiss. Scottie sleeps a LOT better than she did. She's waking up at 1am and 6am and that's it! Some people may think that still sucks but hey, it's not every two hours. We've been doing that for about 9 months now. Last week she was only getting up once at 6am and I'll take that. I call that sleeping through the night. It's amazing the difference I feel now that I can get a few extra hours of zz's.

Scottie loves to eat mandarin oranges, spaghetti, puffs, always puffs, cheese, and avocados. She's so messy that every time she feeds herself, I have to give her a bath. Scottie will take giant fist fulls of food and shove them in her mouth. She's so funny because she will chew chew chew and then start whining because she can't swallow it. Funny girl.

She's dominated the stairs and will go up them no problem without stopping. She doesn't know how to get down them just yet though so we have to watch her carefully.

Her hair is officially starting to grow! Hair, crazy right?! My bald baby is growing hair! It's still super light and of course very minimal up top, but there's hair.

Our girl is a smiler, still, smiling 24/7. Always has a big gummy smile on that cute adorable small head.

Scottie stopped breastfeeding a couple weeks after her 9 month mark and it has relieved stress big time. I do miss it a lot, but Cam can help me at night by getting up and feeding her a bottle and I am much more energized to take care of her. I'm proud of how far I made it with Scottie. I struggled to keep my supply up when she got RSV so from 2 months till 9 months, I was powerpumping and trying to make sure Scottie had enough milk. It wasn't easy, and I wish I could have gone 12 months, but I think my body was giving out so I had to switch to formula for several reasons. We made it that far though and I'm proud of that!

Scottie is a light to our lives and I was reminded during a girls trip that I took to Arizona, that Scottie truly came into mine and Cam's life in the perfect time. I couldn't understand why I wasn't getting pregnant and looking back, I do now. She is truly a beam of light in my life and I love her so much for being our happy girl. She makes me so happy.

Until next time,

KRR

Dear Scottie girl,

I can't believe how much you've learned and continue to learn. You're so amazing to watch and I never get sick of seeing the things that you learn day to day. I love you for being happy. Thank you for being a smiley girl. You're so funny and truly make mom laugh when she needs it. You bonk your head a lot, probably because you get that from me, but you're still so happy! Your big blue eyes are the prettiest and even strangers will comment on them. You're going to sweep a cute boy off of his feet one day with those eyes. I hope you never lose that light and will always remember to smile and be happy. There's a lot of sadness in this world, but with your attitude, life can be wonderful and great. I love you so much Scottie. You'll always be my baby.

XOXO
Mom

{ Scottie Yuki Ryther | 7 Months }

July 14, 2017

Weight: 15 lbs 2 oz

Happy seven months Scottie. It's been one month since Scottie had your breathing accident but I just can't get over it. Whenever people ask me how things are going, I refer to Scottie's accident as if it was just a week away. Cam reminded me the other day that it has been a month but it seems as if it were yesterday.

I will never get over that day.

We've taken you to see a neurologist since then. That was a hard day and I've never seen Cam more destraught then that day. I'm usually the weak one but I had to be strong for him. We had to strap you down as they put about 30 suction cups with wires to your head. Then they wrapped your head with gauze so everything would stay in place. Scottie was inconsolible. I've only seen her cry like that a few times and it was similar to her pain when she was deep suctioned in the hospital at 4 weeks old. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry once I saw her mummified, so I did both. They had me hold Scottie and wanted her to sleep for some of her test. The test ran for 30 minutes as they watched her on the camera and watched her brain activity. Cam was having a really hard time because the neurologist was trying to find any clues as to why her accident happened. She saw that Scottie tucks her thumb and thought it could be a sign of Cerebral Palsy. For some reason, I was very calm. I was confident that she didn't have it. I didn't think it was anything but it hit Cam very hard. We both cried when the EEG nurse left us to be monitored. I think Cam and I have been through a lot when it comes to Scottie. We've been through a lot as a couple this year, and I can't help but think Scottie's accidents were meant to teach us something. We needed to come together and rely on each other for love and strength. I would never wish Scottie's accidents upon anyone, but I know that Cam and I have grown from them.

I wish I could say that the pain and anxiety of the day of her accident will go away, but I don't think it ever will. I truly believed that I lost our beautiful Scottie girl. Every night, I'm reminded of that moment and I am so beyond grateful that she's still with us. We truly had angels in our house that night. I know there were angels helping Scottie come back to us.

As for things you're doing these days. We're back on track and starting solids again! I had to take a moment to pause and focus on Scottie because I didn't want any chance of choking or anything dangerous, so we went back to pureed foods. Scottie came back into my room because of my anxiety. She wore the Owlet sock every single night and it gave me peace until it didn't. Haha the sock unfortantely would go off every once in a while. Mostly the alarms where it couldn't get a good reading but there was one night where the red alarm went off. I ran as fast as I have ever run into Scottie's room to check on her. She was fine.

The anxiety has been a hard thing for me to balance these days. It takes over my body and every squeal, every weird facial expression. It makes me think she can't breathe.

Poor Scottie got another bug and I took her into the Dr.'s to make sure she was ok. Cam and I both knew she was sick but wanted to check to make sure it wasn't anything abnormal. She had a high fever of 102 that lasted about 4 days and then she broke out with a rash so my mom thinks it was Roseola. I remember giving her a bath and dressing her for bed and she was shivering uncontrollably. The face she was making was similar to what I saw during her accident so I was very high strung when she was sick.

Whenever Scottie gets sick, my PTSD kicks in. I just want her to be safe and happy and healthy.

Scottie went on her first vacation with the Beste family! We went to their family reunion in Island Park and she was able to hang out with all the cousins. Everyone was fighting over her because she's so dang cute. She loves to splash in the tub and is already trying to stand. She's such a big girl!

Until next time,

KRR

{ Scottie Yuki Ryther | 9 Months }

Weight: 15 lbs 9 oz

Happy nine months to our Scottie girl! I can't believe she's getting so old. (Classic mom talk, am I right?) I've turned into one of those moms already!

I was talking to one of my friends at church the other day and she reminded me "nine months in, nine months out!" I totally didn't even realize it. It's crazy to me how much she has grown. Not just physically, but mentally, emotionally. She's such a funny girl these days. She's so very determined to do her own thing and explore EVERYTHING. She's very attentive. To every detail. And I mean EVERY detail. From the day she could see the world she has been looking around and observing every little thing.

When I rock her to sleep in the rocking chair, she sits there and scratches at the material. When I wear jewelry, which is a VERY rare occasion these days, she'll sit there and pull at it. When I have any sort of detail on my shirt, pulling at it. She's so curious and wants to see it all.

Scottie learned to do so many things this month. She started to pull herself up to stand on just about everything. She can even let go with one hand and just stand there. Sometimes she'll take a step or two! She learned to walk with help. If you hold her hands, she'll just cruise. She loves walking. She's always watched the older cousins and you can see how desperately she wants to walk and run with them in here little eyes.

The poor girl got sick...AGAIN. This is her 5th time being sick in 9 months. It may not seem like much, but when the runny nose lasts 3 weeks, it seems like she's been sick A LOT! Apparently kids can get 10-15 colds a year. That's insane! We had a rough start with this one though. I was alone in Logan, staying the night with Caisie because Cam was still in the Phillipines. Oh yeah, Cam went to the Phillipines to visit his mission! We did the single mom thing for 10 days and it was HARD. Anyways, back to Caisie. We were at her house and everything was fine, until it wasn't. We laid down for bed and I could hear it. Her stuffy/runny nose. She couldn't breathe and was making weird sounds. She would wake up every 10 minutes and cry and I was so nervous she would wake up Caisie's kids. She kept screaming and it was like nothing before. She never did that! So I started panicking and my PTSD kicked in again. Remembering the bad times and I was all alone in the basement. I called my parents, and they drove from Bear Lake at 1 am to Logan, and drove us home to SLC. I felt so incredibly bad but I couldn't shake the anxiety. It was real and takes over when Scottie gets sick. I want to overcome it one day. I need to overcome it.

Scottie also learned to pick up food and eat real human food! She's been doing this for a while now but I think she's learned to not choke which was our problem at the beginning. I was terrified all the time so I just kept giving her pureed fruits and veggies. She didn't mind it. She actually loves her little squeezie and chugs it right out of the bottle now!

She's learned how to drink out of a straw and will DOWN water. LOVES water. The kid could drink water all day if I let her.

Scottie makes this funny squinty face when I say "no don't touch that" or "ahh no!" if she's really naughty and grabbing a cord, outlet, or lamp :S. Naughty girl.

Scottie says mama and dada. Mostly dada. She makes funny noises with her tongue and still makes little kitty cat noises all the time.

People still call her a "doll". Literally. Her big blue eyes that she got from her dad and her very round and still bald head are very "doll" like.

Scottie naps twice a day for two to three hours which is really awesome. Gives me time to work and clean and rest for a bit. Unfortunately the night routine hasn't gotten much better. She'll get up at midnight, 2am, 4am, and wakes up at 8am. Lately it's been midnight, 3am, 6am, wakes up at 8am. BUT I'm trying to enjoy it. People say it won't last forever and I get it, but it's exhausting nonetheless. I want to say that she's scared throughout the night and that's why she wakes up. It's like she needs me. And I'm ok with that if she needs me. I just wish I could keep her in my bed all the time and just have little sleepovers with her! Lately I'll bring her to bed with me at 4am and we'll sleep till 8 together. She's the cutest. She'll lay her head right on my chest or even on my face sometimes to fall asleep haha. Sometimes you just need to be touching your mom right??

We love our little Scottie girl that's growing up so fast.

Dear Scottie,

I am so proud of you. I say this every month but THIS month especially. You learned so much! It's so fun to see you grow. You giggle and smile at me all the time. When you smile at mom it makes me so happy to see that you're happy. That's all I ever want for you is for you to be happy. Remember to live life how you live now. Carefree and joyful. You're the biggest blessing for mom and dad and we couldn't thank you enough for your sweet little spirit. You teach us to be patient. You teach us to love deeper. Dad is absolutely smitten by you. He comes home from work and says over and over "I missed you!". It's so sweet to see the love between you and your dad. I hope that one day you can use that love you've learned from him and find someone to take just as good, if not better care of you and your precious heart. I love you so Scottie girl.

XOXO
Mom

{ Scottie Yuki Ryther | 8 Months }

Weight: 15.2 lbs

Happy eight months!

Scottie loves to move around. Move move move. Always on the go, looking for something to explore, discover. She's starting to pull herself up onto everything these days. I walked in a few weeks ago and you had sat up on your own in the crib. That's when I knew I'd be in trouuuble. I knew you'd be pulling yourself up onto the crib, couch, TV stand, in no time. And here we are, just a few days over you turning 8 months and I can't contain her! She's so curious and determined. The hard part is that her grib is unbelievable. I picked her up one time because she was getting into the humidifier. Well. She had the humidifier in her hand adn brought it with her :)  That thing is heavy too! She's hilarious.

Still army crawling like a pro but a few days ago I saw her pull up on her knees! We were in Bear Lake with the family and I caught her on her knees for two seconds, then she went back to her army crawling because she can get around pretty quick like that these days.

Scottie has discovered her bows! She'll yank them off so I have to be super discrete about it when I put them on her. I mean the poor thing doesn't have hair and has a gender neutral name. I love having bows on her little bald head, I just think it's the cutest thing.

She's outgrown her baby bath and has upgraded to the big tub and is LOVING it. Loves splashing around and the other day she swiveled onto her belly and was swimming around. She's the cutest in the tub. I try not to bath her every night because she has sensitive skin, but she loves it so much!

Unfortunately eight months has brought us several no sleep nights. Scottie has never been a good sleeper but it's really crazy at this stage. She goes to bed around 7:30 or 8:00 p.m. Wakes up at 9:00 p.m., 11:30 or midnight, 2:00 a.m., 4:00 a.m., 6:00 a.m., and then we're up at 8:30 a.m. or 9:00 a.m. Soooo no sleep actually. It's awful. Cam and I are trying to figure out what she needs and we're at a loss! We tried cry it out last night and that was bad news. Scottie was shaking after crying for an hour. We hated it. Absolutely hated every minute and when I went to get her, I started to sob. I couldn't believe I had tried that because I swore I'd never do it. I don't like the thought that she thought I wasn't there. Once I had picked her up, she wouldn't let go of me. I brought her to bed and laid her down between Cam and I. She immediately crawled over to me and climbed on my body to fall asleep. I put my arms around her and her little hands wrapped around my finger, holding so tightly. I think she must have some separation anxiety because I swear I feed her enough. I thought solids might do the trick but it's not working. I'm going to continue to do everything I can to make sure last night doesn't happen again. But that being said, I need sleep! I need to figure something out to where we're both getting what we need.

Scottie got sick...again! This is her 4th time being sick in 8 months. Obaachan thinks it's Roseola because she had a fever with no other symptoms and then she broke out in a rash. Sorry Scottie girl. Anyone that knows me knows that I'm the CLEANEST, and I mean cleanest, person out there. I try to keep the germs away from her but I guess it's inevitable? I have some major PTSD from her RSV experience so I probably get more worked up than I need to. But it's so incredibly sad to see a sick baby. They're so unhappy. Then I'm unhappy and even more exhausted than normal.

Scottie is so funny and fun in the day time. She's loud, makes noises, talks, scratches at new material. You can tell she's learning so much.

We love her so!

Dear Scottie girl,

I'm so happy that you are mine. Last night when I was holding you, I was quickly reminded of the scare you gave us at 6 months. When I'm frustrated with your sleep situation, I think of that time because we truly are blessed to have you here in our lives today. I couldn't even imagine what I'd do without you. The sleepless nights, giant purple bags under my eyes. I'd do it all over for you. I'd do anything for you. Now if you would just let me sleep at LEAST 4 hours that would be so great :) Will you do me a solid and start doing that for me again? Every 2 hours isn't going to cut it. I love you, but we're both failing in life because of it. I'm mean. You're tired. I need you to help me with this. Keep on being you. Learning, being courageous, determined, strong. I love you Scottie girl!

XOXO,

Mom

{ Scottie Yuki Ryther | 6 months old }

Height: 24.6 in
Weight: 13.8 lb

6 months old.

That's halfway to 1, which means my baby is just about a teenager now... :) I can't believe how big my little girl is getting! She may still be in the 10th percentile for weight height, she may also be in the 2nd percentile for head circumference (haha the teensiest noggin), but she's my growing baby! Time needs to slow down. Or I need to learn to appreciate every day. Every fussy moment. Every cry. Every head bonk. Everything.

Today was a day I'll never forget.

I wish I could say it was a day I'll never forget because it was a happy day, but it wasn't. It wasn't even close. I think this day taught me to love even deeper than I do now. Even deeper than I thought I could ever love a tiny human.

Let me start from the beginning. Scottie and I went to see Dr. Hansen at 8:10 a.m. for her 6 month checkup! I knew it would be a semi rough day because we skipped her 4 month shots since we were in Japan, so today was a shot day. The appointment went really well, Scottie was healthy as a horse, moving around and wiggling like her normal self. Dr. Hansen said her ear infection was gone, she was great! We did her shots and she cried for a minute, calmed down, and we left. Dr. Hansen said this shot hurts a little more than the others so be sure to massage her legs.

She took a few naps that morning, ate her first solid! YAY! (Bananas. She spit EEEVERYTHING out besides that so we were so excited that she finally liked her first solid) and then I headed to my parents house as Kenz and Mal were coming over to swim. We had such a fun time playing in the water with Mal and Kenz and little Els. It was such a fun filled day, nothing unusual other than Scottie being a little fussy from her shots. I decided she's probably hurting from her shots so I gave her 2 ml of Tylenol and then she went down for a nap. After she woke up, we went home to see her dad.

Since Cam doesn't get to spend much time with Scottie throughout the week, he typically plays with her once he gets home. He was playing with her as usual, I gave her a couple spoonfuls of banana, and then I started taking her upstairs for a bath. This is the part that I wish I could forget.

I had Scottie on my hip and thought she was acting weird and limp. I got to the tub and did our usual routine. Set her on the bath mat, turn to the tub to fill up her baby bath, then back to Scottie to start undressing her. I looked at her and noticed her arms in this strange position and looked as if they were frozen. Her eyes were looking to her right side and she was making this monotone "ah" sound. I thought, ok that's weird what is she doing? Then my mind went to, "ok is she having a seizure?". I pick Scottie up and start saying "Cam, will you come up here?". The next thing I know, Scottie has gone limp, her eyes roll up and down to close and back open and I immediately scream to Cam to call 911. I'm running down the stairs screaming "call 911, call 911". Cam comes running to the end of the staircase, and just yells "Scottie!" as loud as he could. "Scottie stay with us, Scottie stay with us!". He then fumbles around to find his phone, dials 911, and procedes to give them our information. Meanwhile, Scottie is as grey as can be. I noticed her grey color on the stairs when I was running down but I just remember as the seconds and minutes went by, the greyer she became. Staring off into the distance just lifeless. I was frantically holding her and yelling at Cam to ask the 911 rep to tell us what to do.

I had no idea what to do. I thought I was losing my baby.

My baby was greyer by the minute and her lips were the same color as her body. I remember laying her on the ground as her arms just fell to her side thinking, "this is it. I'm losing my sweet angel baby". Cam kept shaking her and bugging her to keep her awake. No response. We couldn't even get a response with her eyes. She was not following us. She was not there.

I dialed Aubrielle and just screamed Scottie is grey she's not breathing. She sent Alex over because she was out of town (of course this happens...).

After about 4-5 minutes, the 911 rep told us to listen for her breathing. I put my ear next to her mouth and started to hear her catch her breath. I would say "now" every time I heard her breathe. It felt like the breaths were long from when I would say now, but slowly she started breathing again.

Alex came running through the door at this point. Scottie was breathing.

The paramedic came shortly after and about 7 paramedic team members came rushing through my door. It felt like eternity but we later checked Cam's phone to find that the paramedics arrived in just 9 minutes. The first thing the paramedic told me was "she's ok, she's breathing". Then they started working on her. Checking her vitals. She was still grey, but I noticed there was some pink color that had returned to her lips.

The paramedic felt comfortable with her vitals that they didn't need to take her in the ambulence but they wanted us to take her into the ER to get checked out. Cam and I felt ok to take her (plus we weren't about to fork out $10,000 for a glee ride into the hospital). Of course, if it were crucial she would have already been in the ambulence.

Once the paramedic left and Cam and I were alone again, we just sat. Sat together on the couch sobbing. I remember verbally saying "Why" over and over through the tears. I couldn't understand why this horrible accident happened and what had even triggered it. Cam and I couldn't fathom losing our baby girl. I think Scottie was just exhausted at that point because I was holding her in my arms and she was acting like nothing had happened. I'm sure she was so tired.

After gathering our emotions, of what emotions we could gather, Cam and I hurried and packed up the car, I changed out of my swimsuit (still in my swim suit from that afternoon), and we drove to the Riverton ER. On the way over, I was bugging Scottie because I was so worried something would happen again and she'd stop responding to us. I was playing with her toys and would grab her hands as she was pretty limp and just sitting in her carseat. I picked up her hands and legs and she had no resistence. She was exhuasted.

We got to the ER. Again, admitting Scottie to the ER.

Felt like we were just there.

Once we were admitted, we had several medical nurses come in and ask us what happened. I tried to tell the story the best I could but couldn't put a time frame on anything as it felt like forever. The Dr. came in and again, we retold the story. He said we should do an EKG on her heart to see if everything looked ok. All was well. Poor little Scottie had to have millions of little stickers all over her chest. Luckily she was pretty out of it so it didn't bother her much, just bothered her parents :)

Scottie was fine! Everything was fine. 100% healthy. The Dr. came back after we had monitored her for 2-3 hrs. He said her vitals were great and he felt comfortable sending us home. He told us after talking to several Pediatricians, that they categorized her accident in what they now call BRUE. It's a life threatening event that ends. Dr.'s have no idea why this happens, it just does. Happens to 13% of babies where you just don't know what or why it happened. I absolutely hated this answer. Hated it because I couldn't prevent it.

So. Cam and I went home. Because we caused quite the scene on our street, several neighbors knew about Scottie and what happened. That night, I had an Owlet monitor in my mailbox to use from Bishop. I can't be more thankful for such an awesome community and neighborhood that continues to look out for my family even though I may not be the best neighbor.

I knew I wouldn't sleep, Cam was exhausted so he actually got some sleep. I think we got home around 2:00 a.m. and I woke up just about every 30 minutes to check on her. She wasn't even far either. She was in the Dockatot, right in the middle of Cam and I. Yet I couldn't not check on her. I think I cried several times while Cam and Scottie both slept.

Why did this happen.

Morning came and I woke up thinking last night was a bad dream, but it wasn't. It was totally reality. How in the world did that happen.

All I can say is that there were angels in our house. Angels surrounding Scottie, helping her through the accident and helping her come back to us. I don't even know what I would do if I lost her. It would completely break me. She has been my saving grace and my angel baby through this time in my life.

I love her so.

Scottie. 6 months old and still smiling :)

{ I want the world for you }

July 13, 2017

To my Scottie:

I'm sorry. 

I need to apologize for my behavior. I haven't been myself and I told myself that I'd never yell at you and I have. You don't let me sleep and that turns me into a crazy person. You get up every two hrs after midnight and want to nurse and I've been trying to sleep train you with everything that I have but I've failed. I've gotten really upset and I'm sorry for that. 

I want to be the best I can be for you and I always want you to be happy. That's all I ever want for you, for you to live a happy life. I want you to live, love, laugh. I know you'll have worries and things of this world that will make you sad, but I want to protect you from it all!

It's so rare that you ever cry. 

Ever! 

So many people comment about you that you're the happiest baby and I can't thank you enough for being that for me. You truly are my angel during dark times. I feel that you came when I needed you most. I wanted you here so incredible bad for such a long time and couldn't understand why you weren't here. Now I know. I needed you here to help me through these times and Heavenly Father knew that too. I can't say it enough. My angel and my saving grace. I can't wait till you're older and we can have so many girls days together. I hope you'll want to hang with an oldie like me!! I love you so Scottie girl.  

{ Fastest army crawler in town }

June 27, 2017

My army crawler has continued to improve and is officially not using her little 2nd percentile head. You can get her to really move if you light up your phone and put it in front of her. Naughty girl. She's already obsessed with phones!! I'm in trouble.

I'm so proud of this little one. I'm sure everyone is so sick of me ranting about how proud I am. But she truly is a champ. She went through a whole lot in the first 6 months of her life and I am so lucky to be her mama. She teaches me.

I love you little Scottie girl!

{ We've got a crawler on our hands }

June 20, 2017

Scottie is crawling!!!! 

CRAWLING. K what?! I mean, duh, I knew my baby would crawl but I can't believe she's already on the loose.

It's more of an army crawl/use the side of her head to get around. It's so funny how she uses her head. She will pull herself and then topple over on her head and roll a little and then pull herself and start all over. 

She's getting really strong and will be an official crawler here soon I can tell. She's a determined little one. She knows she's being naughty when she crawls over to the TV stand and pulls out the internet box that lights up---but she does it anyways.

Time to baby proof this modern, sharp cornered house!

{ Scratchy little diaper}

July 6, 2017

To my Scottie: 

Today you discovered your diaper! You're hilarious. You love anything and everything that crinkles and apparently that includes your diaper. You look at your diaper when you're sitting down and just scratch away at your diaper and I can tell there's so much going on in that head of yours. You're so curious and want to do everything on your own! I love you so much. 

Thank you for being curious my little adventurer.

{ You want me to eat what?! }

Today we tried sweet potatoes.

Noooope. Poor girl gives me this face like what the heck did you feed me?!

I'm going to try apples next because she's not digging that or rice cereal. Dr. Hansen said to do veggies before fruits but I'm going to see if I mix a little bit of apple into the rice cereal to see if she will do rice cereal for a couple weeks before we introduce food.

And I decided I'm going to make it homemade because those cans are SO gross. Excited to make a bunch and eventually mix flavors. It's cuter making food for a small person.

Until Next Time,

KRR

Scottie Yuki Ryther | { 5 Months }

Height:
Weight: 12.2 lbs

FIVE MONTHS! Five. That's almost six months and six months is half of her turning 1 soooo I pretty much have a toddler on my hands. Haha. Dramatic? But seriously though. She's growing so incredibly fast and I can't seem to take in every little moment.

I keep telling myself to ENJOY motherhood. Truly enjoy it. We've had a rough start but I'm trying to get better by remembering that life will work out how it's supposed to. Scottie will have troubles, I will have troubles. But I'm doign the best I can and one thing I do know is that I love this girl witha ll my heart.

She's learned so much in the last month.

She discovered her toes and now she eats them! Loves to chew on those funny lookin' toes that her daddy gave to her. The poor girl :)

She loves to hold her bottle! Obsessed actually. When I give it to her she can't get her hands wrapped around it fast enough. I think she's a determined little one and I can tell it's part of her personality. Just like her mama. Speaking of determined. She curls her little knees under her chest and tries to crawl!! I think we're about to have a crawler on our hands soon. And then my life is over. Right? Haha time to baby proof EVERYTHING or more like take all your decorations down. Our house of course, has SO many corners. Cam and I love the modern look and of course comes the corners so our poor child has to deal with the corners. Hopefully she learns quickly and doesn't hurt herself too bad :) Our next house will definitely be a little more child proof. Live and learn.

She loves to smile. She smiles at everyone and it's very easy to get a big gummy smile out of her. Strangers comment on it. I love that about Scottie. She's the happiest little girl even when she's not feeling 100%. Smiley Scottie.

Everyone in Japan would look at Scottie and say "Oh my gosh she's so cute! She looks like a doll!" I think you put her gummy smile, bald head, blue eyes, chubby round face together and there you have it. A cabbage patch doll. We love our baby cabbage patch!

Scottie loves to talk. But these days she likes to talk at 6:00 a.m. A.M.! At first it would frustrate me because it wasn't time to wake up. But then I realized, you know what, she's happy. She's in her bed just playing with her feet and talking talking talking. It's more of a vowel sounding talk v. the cooing. She's learning!

This babe is also ROLLING. Rolling right, left, right, left, right, left, and before I know it. This girl has rolled all the way from the TV room into the kitchen. Silly girl. She knows where she wants to go and gets there. Again. My determined daughter.

We're so happy and love our Scottie.

Dear Scottie girl,

You're growing too fast! Mom is trying to soak in every moment but the days seem to go so quickly and your mom is always stressed that you're not getting enough food, getting enough sleep, comfortable enough, etc. The other day, you thew up, then you pooped in the tub, I cleaned it out, and then you pooped in the tub again! The problems seemed like it they never ending. But then I remembered those days where  I longed for you for so long and it made life better. I've wanted you in my life for a really long time. And I never want to take you for granted. I want you to have the perfect, safest, most happiest life. But I know I can't protect you from everything. I want you to be happy. I hope that you pick up the best traits from your mom and your dad and learn from our mistakes. We love you. We want the world for you. Thank you for smiling. Thank you for making me smile! Mom needs that in her life. She needs your gummy smiles and snuggles. It makes her so happy when she can still hold you in her arms and put you to sleep. It will make me sad when the day comes when we move you out of our room. (I know...you're still sleeping next to me because I can't get myself to move you! I'll be too sad.) Keep smiling for me.

XOXO

Mom

{ Taking a 4 Month Old To Japan }

We took Scottie to Japan! It was the craziest, but we survived. I think I stressed out about the travel and flight over to Japan probably a week before it all went down. My milk supply shot down...surprise surprise...and I was an absolute stress case. Traveling international is hard as it is.

Add a four month old to the mix! I had to make sure I had every little thing for her. Just in case she needed something. In case she got sick, had gas, got a rash, was cold, was warm, three blankets of course--it felt like half of our bag was just for Scottie.

I brought the dockatot on the plane and that SAVED MY LIFE! It was the best thing ever because we had a seat between us on every single flight. I wonder if they did it that way because they know we have a baby and no one wants to sit by a rvyign baby? Haha either way. Stoked. We were able to put the dockatot between us on the seat and let Scottie sleep.

She did awesome on our 12 hr flight! We even had a lady come up to us and say "you had a baby with you?! I didn't even hear her". Scottie didn't make a peep. She actually talked quite a bit but there's so much white noise from the plane you couldn't really hear her.

Once we got to Japan, we. Were. Exhausted! I felt so disgusting after 18+ hrs of travel so I had to take a bath. I brought Scottie with me and she screamed like I've never heard before. I don't blame her. It was the longest day ever and then I'm dowsing her with water?! Poor girl. I couldn't not let her go without a shower though I felt like she had been laid down on every airport floor (even tho she was on a diaper changing mat on a chair).

Airports are just gross, you know?

Scottie slept pretty well over our vacation too! That's one thing I was concerned about going into the trip. I knew that this trip wouldn't be a vacation for me because I had a four month old baby that was going to be jet lagged. Well she surprised us and slept for majority of the night! Woke up a few times to eat but never wide awake. It was awesome. (Coming home was a different story. VERY opposite. She would be up until 4 am jusybwide awake and chgaytjng and moving around and playing with her toes. Dang girl. She took a week to get over that jet lag coming back.)

It was so fun seeing ojiichan and obaachan with Scottie. Ojiichan thought she was so cute and still thinks it's hilarious that her name is Scottie. There's a tissue brand in Japan called Scottie and my ojiichan has boxes everywhere in his house. Kinda funny. Scotties everywhere! He loved playing with her and Scottie would smile and laugh back. It was the best.

This trip was mainly to spend time with family and that was just about my favorite thing ever! My family in Japan has always meant so much to me. I've always regretted not being able to speak Japanese and have a relationship with them. 

SO. Cam did something crazy. We'd always talked about how cool it would be if he were to transfer to the Tokyo Goldman Sachs office. Well. Since we were traveling over there anyways, he thought why not. He setup several meetings with high up VP's to introduce himself and talk about the possibility of transferring to the Tokyo office. 

Things are happening! 

Cam met with so many VP's that were excited and positive about the possibility, however, they got back to him once we got back to the states and told him that there's not much available right now. But that doesn't mean that there won't be an opening in the future. It's hard to wrap my brain around the thought, but what an amazing adventure it would be! To pick up and go to Japan. Live in the city, just me, Cam, and Scottie girl. It's scary to think that it could happen still because I'm a planner. I like to know. I like to color code my calendar...yes. I do that. I like to know when things are happening and on a note where we're talking about planning. My next baby. Would I get pregnant and deliver my second baby in Japan? It scares me to think they could come to us and say....ok guys! Here's a position. Now see you in a few weeks. 

WHAAAAT.

It's hard to live day to day thinking this may happen. So what I've decided is that I need to continue to live my life normally and keep this idea in the back of my head. Tucked away, but also readily available if it happens.

It would be a dream but a scary dream come true I think. Why does it scare me? Well. It would be me and Scottie alone in the tiny apartment. I won't have friends. I won;t have family. I won't have my community. BUT again, I've always regretted not learning Japanese and this would be my chance. Every time I think about my regret, it makes me cry. I cry because it's important to me. It's a huge part of my life and yet I don't know the language well enough to know my mom's family well.This would allow me to finally be able to truly tell my Ojiichan how I feel about him and his love. He's the most selfless, humble, happy man and I always want to thank him for everything he's done for us. My mom said when we left the train station this trip, he started to cry because he was so happy to have us all together. It makes me so sad to wave goodbye to him from the Tahara train station.I love him and his example he's set for his posterity. Not a day goes by that I miss him! He's continuing to see Obaachan at her elderly home and it is such an example of true love. They're the best and I always pray they are happy and healthy.We ate lots of delicious food in Japan! Cam and I tend to do that...haha we sound like little piggies. We look forward to meals when we travel. We're foodies alright?! I mean the food in Japan is just so incredible, we eat at the gas station half the time. I made sure to get enough Melon Soda while I saw there.It was so fun to have the entiiiiiire family there. Mom, dad, Sachi, Mari, DJ, Airi, Misa, Tanner, Oliver, Me, Cam, Scottie. Phew. Just typing that made me tired! Haha what an adventure it was. Babies. Crying. Laughing. Lots of people in a tiny house. And when I say a tiny house, it's a HUGE house in Japan.

All in all it was so great to have all the siblings together and we enjoyed talking and spending quality time together.We were in ofuro's about 1/2 of the trip. Haha I asked Cam, why are we not taking more pictures? And then I realized...well, we're naked and in bath's half the time! It truly was an ofuro almost every day it felt like. It was so amazing though. It truly feels like you're at a spa and for SO much cheaper than it would be for a spa day in the US. They're so relaxing and Scottie LLOVED it. She would just sit on my lap and looked like she was in heaven.I'll always want to visit Japan and hope that I can take all of my kids to Japan one day. The Melon soda, Katsu, DisneySea, Ofuro's, Candy, Family mart karage. All of it.

Until next time,

KRR